Ramblings from one spiritual soul

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2010-06-15T14:43:00.000-05:00

MIA

2010-01-07T15:17:00.001-06:00

Hello blog world! Sorry to be MIA lately. I've been thinking a lot about this blog. My hubby found out that I've been writing this blog and he was not happy. In his words, "I won't want all my business out there!" I totally agree and in hindsight probably should have told him about the blog. Another blogger/friend suggested that some of the things I write are pretty personal and I agree. This started out as a blog about my challenges in ministry but really turned in to me complaining about work which is not good. Then as I began to stare down the ugly barrel of infertility and started reading other IF blogs it became away for me to share my struggles and hear from others with the same challenges. I do need a place to vent about things but I also need to respect my husband's privacy. So, I've started writing (yes actually hand writing) in a journal about some of these personal things. I'm considering leaving this blog. I'm also considering purchasing my own domain and blogging more about fitness, nutrition, as well as a little faith thrown in there and of course fun! Stay tuned as I will post my NEW blog here. I will continue to read and comment on other people's infertility blogs but I realize now that some things just shouldn't be put out there for the world to see, especially when they involve your loved ones.

My only problem is, I like what I've written here and don't want to lose it. I think it's a good document of my feelings on lots of different topics. Any ideas on how I can save my entries?

See you soon with NEW and improved blog with more focus and intention!

2010 is here!

2010-01-01T09:29:00.001-06:00

Sorry I've been MIA for the last couple of days. I've been hanging with my husband's fam. His sister who is married with two little boys and his brother who is married with two little girls were in town. My husband's cousin was also in town. We really didn't do that much. Pretty much just sat around playing/watching the kids play. Eating of course. I did go sledding with the older kids which was awesome! The "girls" went out shopping yesterday and got some AWESOME deals!! I also managed to get some killer workouts in! I worked out 5 days in a row 2 of those days getting double workouts in! I'm really trying to keep my running up over the winter. I always tend to slack off and then I have to build up again in the spring.

I did have one little moment of, "oh woe is me the only one without a child." My sister-in-law had a baby only 6 months ago. When they arrived my oldest niece who is 7 was so excited about her cousin and wanted to take care of him. It was so precious! I just kept thinking, "I want her to be excited about my baby!" Last year when my sister-in-law announced she was pregnant I was happy for her, also a little sad for me because I had hoped to be the one announcing that I was pregnant over the holidays. I also was hopeful that we would still get pregnant before Christmas 2009 which didn't happen. That made this Christmas a little harder. I guess I just thought we would have a baby by now. At the same time my baby nephew has not been sleeping through the night and I was once again reminded of how much work and constant care a baby is as well as older children. I do appreciate the freedom of not having children. I mean, right now I'm sitting in my pj's doing nothing. Still the longing to have a baby is getting stronger the longer it takes. Our first consult with the fertility specialist is the 18th of this month. I'm nervous about the tests and the costs of tests and procedures. What I am most worried about is that they won't find anything wrong with us and they won't be able to help us. Ignorance is bliss as they say.

I don't really have any resolutions for 2010. Of course I want to be pregnant! I want to keep up with my fitness as well as my trying to eat has clean and as close to the source as possible but also allowing myself occasional treats in moderation. Depending on the whole fertility issue I would LOVE to do an Olympic distance triathlon this year. I'm pretty sure I could do it with a little training. I would also like to do another half marathon. I also want to start saving more money in case things with my job change or so that I can feel confident to make a change in my job. My job is the source of most stress and unhappiness in my life. I want to make a change but need to do some planning before hand to make this happen. I would also like to make a bigger commitment to blogging. It would be great to get my own domain and try to blog at least daily.

Not sure what plans for the rest of my vacation include. Lots of R & R I'm sure! The next week at work is going to be brutal! I'll enjoy the peace while I can!

Holiday Recap

2009-12-28T08:30:00.001-06:00

Hey blog world! I took a little break from blogging to enjoy the holiday weekend. I certainly am enjoying not working and just taking it easy. Yesterday I didn't get out of my jammies until after noon!

We were able to get to our Christmas Eve party which was delightful. Then we headed to Mass. Christmas day was spent at my parents enjoying their "new" kitchen and living room. Their remodel took a long time but I think it was worth it. I got a pretty tea pot and some holiday mugs which is just what I asked for! The husband and I didn't do gifts as we got a DVR earlier this year and we're getting new windows in the new year. The day after Christmas my parents, brother and I went to the Twin Cities to see A Christmas Carol in 3D IMax. It was pretty good. We then went out to lunch at Bucca. We headed back home and the husband and I met up with some friends from high school for dinner which I still wasn't hungry for due to the large lunch!

The husband decided not to fish or hunt on Sunday so we rented a ton of movies and stayed in our PJ's until after noon. By noon I was feeling, as Heather says, Rungry! (Check out her new blog design and address). I hadn't run in over a week. I hadn't had a really intense workout since I taught cycling on Wednesday. I planned on going to the YMCA for a good run AND a short swim. The run went really well. The swim started out well but then the firs alarm went off. The whole building was evacuated including the 7 of us who were in the pool. We had to stand outside in 20 degree weather in our went suits! The life guards gave us these special blankets which helped to keep our heat in but it still was not fun! Needless to say I didn't finish my swim and jumped in the hot tub when we got let back in.

I'm still off of work today but have to teach group strength at noon. I also need to clean the house a bit and work on some Zumba songs for tomorrow. We get to celebrate Christmas all over again on Wednesday when my husband's family come in town. I'm sure I'll have more pictures since the little kids will be there. They are so cute!

I certainly notice the effect of not eating well over these last few days. I feel sluggish and some times sick to my stomach due to the extra sugar and fat. I have a few easy days of clean eating before we feast again. I think being reminded of how crappy I feel when I don't eat well will help my to make better choices!

AF did show up in full force this morning. I'll blog more about my thoughts on my up coming fertility consult!

Lazy Christmas

2009-12-24T07:46:00.001-06:00

First of all Merry Christmas! I'm not sure where you all live but I'm in the Midwest and the weather is NASTY! Snow, ice, freezing rain, rain! I feel so lucky that we don't have to go anywhere.

After my long nights spent at work watching the students studying for finals I decided to start my Christmas vacation early and took off yesterday. I had to teach cycling at the YMCA at 6:00am. After that I showered and immediately put my jammies back on. The doggie and I spent most of the day in my bed watching Flash Forward on the Internet. I really wanted to watch this show when it was on but totally missed it even with our new DVR. I started watching it while working late and now I'm hooked! I did have to get dressed to go for a hair appointment but that was about it.

I had plans to go to a fun class at the YMCA called the Jingle Bell Body Blast but I'm too afraid to drive so after my breakfast digests I might download some workouts and do them in my basement. Not sure if we'll leave the house to make it to our Christmas events tonight but I don't care. I'd rather be safe. Bad weather makes me nervous ever since I lost control on the interstate during a storm.

I did take an early pregnancy test this morning hoping for a positive to wrap up for my husband but it was negative. I'm not super sad as I know it's still early but it would have been fun!

Have a great holiday everyone! Be safe out there!

Dip?

2009-12-21T21:10:00.001-06:00

Well, I ended up staying at church until about 11:30pm. Not too bad! I could have slept in this morning since I had no where to be but of course I woke up at 6am when my husband did. Therefore I got a pretty accurate temp reading. I'm not even sure why I bother to take my temps after ovulation but oh well. The last three days my BBT has been 98.3 and today, 7dpo it was was 97.9....implantation dip????? I am really trying not to get my hopes up this time but I would also really love to cancel that appointment at the fertility center in January. Right after I ovulated I felt sick to my stomach almost all day. The only time it felt better was when I ate something. This is has been happening on and off ever since then. The dip in temp this morning furthered my hopefulness. Another weird thing, I do not want to drink alcohol. Not that I'm a huge drinker any way but I occasionally like a glass of wine. I sometimes crave red wine. Or maybe a beer depending on what we're eating or if we are out. Sometimes during the 2WW I don't drink at all and find it really challenging. This time the thought just totally turns me off. Weird!

Today I sat around in my jammies until almost 9am watching the finale of Survivor. I must say it was a pretty good season. I am really looking forward to the next season Survivor:Villains vs. Heroes! Then I cleaned the house, walked the puppers, took a nap, had some dental work done, shopped for veggies at the co-op and now I'm back at work. The husband made me a happy girl by bringing over dinner! Tonight is my last "late shift" I'll work tomorrow during the day then I'm OFF until after New Years!

Technorati Tags: implantation dip,TTC,fertility

It's the most interesting time of the year

2009-12-20T17:43:00.001-06:00

So, for the last 5 hours I've been sitting the basement of the church where I work. Why am I doing this you ask? Well, it's finals week. Since we are the Catholic church on campus and our main goal is support the student population of the public university we keep our doors open for the students. It gives them a nice quiet place to study and we stay open LATE, later then the library. We also have yummy treats for them to eat and drink. Who wouldn't want to study here? Alas someone has to "house sit" as my boss calls it. This means basically sitting around keeping an eye on things, making sure "strangers" don't come around and bother the students or eat their food. The first year I worked here I stayed until 2am! The last couple of years haven't been too bad. So my boss asked me to work this afternoon and this evening. As for my day I got up and got the laundry started, ate breakfast, cleaned up the kitchen, walked the dog, went to the YMCA to run on the treadmill and do some core work, came home and finished the laundry, got here about noon. The Internet was down on my computer but that turned out to be a good thing as I got three chapters read for my grad school class, I ate 2 chocolate candies, 1 piece of peanut brittle, and one mini granola bar. I'm hoping to go home in a bit to eat dinner with my husband and then be back for the evening. I have DVD's to watch and some knitting projects to do. So yeah pretty crazy day. The worse part is not being home with my hubby and missing the season finale of Survivor. Thank God we have a DVR! Now if only I can keep from finding out who the winner is!

Technorati Tags: final exams,Survivor,crazy day!

Blessed

2009-12-18T11:30:00.001-06:00

Hello friends! Man have I been a slacker on blogging. I LOVE to read blogs. I don't know how some of my favorite bloggies have time to post three times a day! I wish I could do that. I guess that's why they're "famous" in the blog world. I promised myself I wouldn't read any blogs until I posted something! Sometimes I don't think I have anything to post but now that I think about it I do!

In TTC news the hubby and I gave it are all this last week! According to my lovely fertility software from Taking Charge of Your Fertility we BDed 3 out of my 5 fertile days including the day of estimated ovulation. So now, we wait. I'll be 10dpo on Christmas Eve. I've never been one to test early. I always just wait until AF shows up. The only time I've tested was when I wasn't charting and was "late". Guess I just O's late that time. I am considering testing Christmas Eve morning. Wouldn't it be awesome to wrap up a positive pregnancy test for my husband?! I also got an appointment at the fertility clinic. It's not until January 18th so I'm glad I didn't wait any longer. I am just hoping and praying I have to cancel it.

In fitness news I swam 44 laps, which is 1.2 miles, also the distance of a 1/2 ironman swim all before 7am this morning! It took me about 50minutes. I felt pretty darn good about myself! I haven't been running much. About two weeks ago we got hit with 17inches of snow that pretty much ended my outdoor running. I also work out early in the morning and don't feel comfortable running in the dark. I've done a few treadmill runs but when faced with the choice of running on a treadmill or swimming I'll pick swimming I guess. I do really want to keep my running up over the winter. It's such a pain to try an rebuild in the spring. We'll see. As for right now I'm just listening to my body and doing what feels right.

Looking back on this past year, even though I think I should feel sad that we didn't get pregnant I truly feel blessed. My immediate family might be a bit dysfunctional but I have an awesome husband and a wonderful group of friends. My job might not always be the best but at least it's a job and sometimes I do get a glimpse of the difference I'm making. Life is good. I'm happy and healthy and trying to live each day to it's fullest, even if that means getting to put my jammy pants on at 5:30pm and chilling with my husband and dog.

Technorati Tags: TTC,Fertility,swimming,blessings

Checking in!

2009-12-12T13:04:00.001-06:00

Howdy folks! How's your Saturday going? Mine is just peachy! I've been up for awhile (just couldn't sleep in). I watched some Ti-voed shows and worked out. I can really tell how much more core strength I've gained doing the whittle my middle challenge over at Angela's blog. I use to really struggle during class when we did core work but today I stuck it out like a champ! I also did something this morning that I haven't done in almost a month. As I wrote about in this post I quit going to Weight Watchers about a month ago which was also the last time I weighed myself. I woke up feeling a little hungry (even though we went out last night), went to the bathroom (sorry if that' TMI), stripped down and weighed myself. Guess how much weight I've gained? None! In fact I've lost 2 or 3 lbs, I'm not even sure because I don't remember the number or what I weighed a month ago! The best part is I'm not letting the number on the scale rule my world. Like I said I don't even remember what it said. All I know is that I was in the low 170's and now I'm in the high 160's which is good enough for me. Another positive effect I've seen from my recent break up is that I don't freak out about food so much. I use to map out my week and look at all the "challenging" food situations I would be put in and try and plan around them. Try is the operative word here. I usually would starve myself and then binge or never get "back on the wagon" so to speak. Now I just eat the food that's presented to me making the healthiest choices possible given the situation and what I've eaten during the rest of the day. It's great. I'm really happy! In fact I'm just realizing now how awesome this is!

In trying to conceive news the husband and I have decided to "give it hell!" this month since next month we plan on seeing a fertility specialist. Our insurance covers very little in the way of fertility treatment so we thought we'd give it our all this month with hopes of not even having to deal with it. What this means is "doing the deed" every other day (starting today) for a week. We shall see! Let the games begin!

Technorati Tags: health,losing the scale,infertility

Snowbound

2009-12-09T17:07:00.001-06:00

Hi there! Long time no blog, I know! Not much news to report. Yesterday, last night, and today we got OVER a FOOT of SNOW! EVERYTHING was shut down even the mall! Fortunately for me (or maybe unfortunately) I am able to walk to work so I put on my snow pants and headed out.

Last week I was really getting frustrated by my work. I totally should have blogged about it. I literally had this voice screaming in my head that said, "GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!" Yeah, you know it's bad when that happens. I can't quite discern why but I was fed up. I know that when you feel this way you are suppose to answer, "What would I really like to be doing with my life?" For a long time I didn't think I had an answer. I mean, this is my life. Since I was 17 I wanted to serve God and bring His message to young people. I am only beginning to realize that you don't have to do this only through ministry. I began to imagine what it would be like to just volunteer at a church rather than have all the responsibility this job entails. Plus I think I figured out what that other thing I would like to be doing is. Fitness and nutrition. I was begriming to think this was only a pipe dream. I mean, there is no way I would go back to school for this. But there are a TON of certifications I can get to help me fulfill this dream if only at the YMCA and part time. Which might be a good thing. Last week at my weekly meeting with the priest and my other boss J the priest said he wanted both of us to list all the "things" we've done in Campus Ministry over the last 18months. He said we needed to look at what we are doing and reevaluate it AND reevaluate our budget and possibly our staffing....Uh Oh!

Honestly I've been saying this since I've been here we do not need a full time Campus Minister (J) and a part time Associate Campus Minister (me). One person could totally do what we do together as a full time job (does it sound to you like someone (J) might not be pulling his weight?). When the possibility of losing this part time position was presented to me I really felt quite

relieved. I mean, money would be tight and all but I could do other things. I guess you know your in the wrong place when you wouldn't be sad to lose you job. So, we meet again tomorrow. I'm sure nothing major will happen until next school year or this summer but it's good to be planning ahead. On the other hand J could decide to retire and I could be offered a full time position as Campus Minister......I'm not sure I would like that either.....oh dear!

Technorati Tags: ministry,snow,job loss

Got the Ball Rolling

2009-12-02T15:51:00.000-06:00

Well, I did it! I called the Fertility Center at our clinic. I really called inquiring if they ever offered appointments after 4pm (they are open 7am-4pm and my husband works from 7am-3:30pm) Unfortunately the answer was no. Their earliest appointment is 7:30am and the last consultation appointment is at 2:15pm. I also found out that they send you a packet and then when they receive that back they call to set up an appointment. I asked them to please send that to me. I know we said we would wait until January to see a specialist but I figured we better get the ball rolling. We've actually been "trying" (meaning no birth control at all) for 16 cycles. 11 out of those 16 I charted every little detail of my cycle and my life and we tried to "time" things just right. The other 5 cycles we just took a break from charting to see what would happen. So, I'm back to charting, just so I have something to show the doctor when I come in. I really don't want to say this and of course I'm not certain but I don't think the problem is with me. Just based on my charts and OPK's it appears that I ovulate pretty regularly. Of course there could be something else wrong with me. In a way it would be easier (?) if the problem was with DH, I think (from what I've read) it's easier to "fix" (right?). Well, I guess we'll find out. I guess this is the next chapter in our journey. I'll try to keep blogging about more than just IF. I think I did a pretty good job of not mentioning it too much during the last 3 months...don't you?

Grinch

2009-12-01T15:33:00.001-06:00

Well, I see I haven't posted in a long time. My previous post was filled with joy and excitement about teaching classes at the YMCA. After that it seemed it all go downhill. Thanksgiving was bad! I'm not going to go into details but let's just say I woke up the day after Thanksgiving at 4am and cried my eyes out before falling back to sleep. It's mainly family stuff.

The weekend slowly improved as I got to spend some time with my nieces. Then a couple we are friends with stopped by our house on their way home from their Thanksgiving adventures. We drank wine, played cards, and laughed until we cried.

I still haven't gotten into the Christmas mood yet. We've bought all our Christmas presents and I've wrapped a few but I have yet to get any decorations out. I usually try to do this on Thanksgiving weekend since my life gets crazy busy at work during this time but I just wasn't feeling it.

And today I found out I'm not pregnant again. I wasn't really thinking I was but I was beginning to entertain the idea of announcing it at Christmas in a cute way. I checked out the fertility site for our clinic. I guess that's the next step. I guess I do really want to find out what's "wrong" with us but it's kind of scary all the same.

I need to perk up though! I'm teaching Zumba at 4pm and then hosting a Christmas party for the college students!

Random Ramblings

2009-11-25T19:45:00.001-06:00

Lot's to ramble about today. First eating. So, it's been 1 week since I quit Weight Watchers. I woke up feeling darn skinny. I've been doing Ange's Whittle My Middle challenge which involves core work 5 times a week for 6-10 minutes. My core felt tight, like a corset. I really wanted to step on the scale but I refrained. I felt good and I didn't want to let a number rule my feelings. I'll probably weigh in a month. I've written down every single food that has gone in my mouth every day for a week. I don't think I ever did that on Weight Watchers. I don't write calories or anything. It does make me stop and think. For instance, today I had a small, decaf, skinny, pumpkin spice latte. All in all I know that is not that bad but it was a treat. I was going to crack a bottle of wine but remembered my treat from before and refrained!

Exercise. So, when I started working at the YMCA I taught group cycling every other Monday and once a month on Saturdays. So about 3-4 times a month. Then I got certified to teach Zumba. They didn't put me on the schedule regularly but I taught a few Saturdays and subbed when I could. Last spring I took a Cardio/Step certification which also certified me to teach Group Strength (kind of like BodyPump). So I taught that on the Mondays I didn't teach cycling. I was totally going to give up my ZIN (Zumba instructor network) membership ($35/month) since I wasn't on the schedule. Well, this fabulous instructor moved to Chicago so I offered to pick up her Tuesday night and Saturday classes. I also offered to teach them for the Winter/Spring schedule. With my Wednesday mornings opening up I also offered to teach Cycling on Wed. mornings starting in January. Well, another instructor quit so I picked up her remaining Wednesdays. Starting in December I'll be teaching 3-4 classes per week! I just had my review with my boss at the YMCA and was told my pay was getting bumped up from $10 per class to $13 per class! I am super pumped! If someone would have told me I'd be teaching this much 9 years a go (hey even 3 years ago I'd tell them they were crazy! I really love teaching. It's a hobby I get paid for.

I only worked half a day and got most of Thanksgiving contributions ready for tomorrow. I'm making cranberry fluff, low-fat sweet potato casserole, and I made banana muffins to take to my parents when we watch the Macy's parade. I tried one and they tasted like crap! Even though I followed the recipe only substituting whole wheat flour for regular! Oh well!

Right now I'm snuggled in bed with the space heater cranked, the doggie by my side, and a cup of tea (husband is butchering a deer). It's glorious!

Technorati Tags: food,exercise,thanksgiving

Bragging

2009-11-22T13:39:00.001-06:00

Sometimes I truly amaze myself. So far today (and it's 1:25pm here) I've stripped the bedding, washed it, dried it, and refreshed the bed, washed and folded two loads of laundry, went to church, hung around and chatted about the Deacon (future Father/priest) What-a-Waste (read exothermally handsome and charming) that was a guest today, shopped for produce at the Co-op, whipped up a batch of Gina's recipe for Sweet Potato Black Bean Chili (it's in the crock pot now) and a batch of Angela's Chia pudding AND scrubbed and vacuumed the floors! Whew! Why all the scurry you ask? Well, tomorrow is usually my day off but I plan on working so I can take Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, AND Monday off. It's going to be GLORIOUS!

Yesterday I ran in our annual Turkey Trot. I ran it slower than usual because I ran with two of my students. For one it was her first 5K! The other was in a horrible motorcycle accident last and year. The doctors said she shouldn't even be alive let alone able to run. It was pretty fun day. Over 2,000 runners and tons of people I know in our community. Then I helped my mother-in-law make Lefsa. Lefsa is a traditional Norwegian food made out of potatos. I should have documented it and posted it here! There is quite an art to it. You have to have a special iron and Lefsa sticks. It was fun. She didn't give me the recipe. We just worked on rolling the dough extra thin and then cooking it. Next time I'll make sure to take pictures. Here's one I found on the Internet.

Source

Well, as a treat to myself I'm about to head off to the cheap theater to see The Time Traveler's Wife I reread the book this summer and forgot how sad it was. Hope I'm not too disappointed. I plan on sneaking a Globar in and ordering a glass of red wine!

Technorati Tags: Lefsa,busy,Globars

Some Thoughts

2009-11-20T12:07:00.001-06:00

Well, my mostly Vegan day went pretty well. I guess in my previous post I didn't explain why I decided to participate in Vegan week. A lot of the healthy living blogs I read feature women who are vegans or vegetarians. A lot of what they write about in regards to why they eat how they eat really makes sense to me on health aspect. I mean our ancestors weren't able to run to the store and buy loads of processed food to supplement their diet. They had to live off the land. Since marrying my husband the great hunter, I've mainly eaten the food that he brings home. I didn't realize what a healthy (and cost effective) lifestyle this was. We do eat chicken and when we go out I would some times order beef or pork. Now, however I feel a better decision for my health and the environment would be to continue "eating off the land" so to speak. Again, like most health bloggers I'm not going to compartmentalize myself or label my way of eating. I thought trying to go without dairy or any animal products would be a good experiment. I don't think there is any way I could be Vegan. I mean I live in Wisconsin after all. I also found that I get a lot of my protein from milk and yogurt hence the reason I was so hungry yesterday morning. Any way it was a fun experiment. I now have some healthy butter I can use rather than the processed I can't believe it's not butter sprayed I've used most of my life since it had 0 "points" and some left over yummy almond butter I can use on my oats.

I really felt a strong desire to weigh myself this morning but I refrained. I just felt skinnier even after eating at the potluck. I've woken up a little hungry for two days in a row now. I'm just going to revel in this feel good feeling!

Not much on tap for the weekend. It's the start of gun hunting and my husband has a bunch of his cousins and uncles coming in to town. I am planning on running the Turkey Trot tomorrow morning with some of my students. Not for time just for fun and to get a T-shirt with a turkey on it! Then my mother-in-law and I are planning on making leifsa! I'm also planning on taking myself to a afternoon showing of the Time Traveler's Wife at our cheap theater. I'll sit back an enjoy a glass of wine all by myself...I actually enjoy this if you can believe it!

Technorati Tags: vegan,health,hunting

Vegan for a Day!

2009-11-19T13:34:00.001-06:00

Now, before you think, "Wow! She really jumps from extremes don't worry I am not going full Vegan. I am participating in Vegan week! The challenge is to try and eat vegan for one day or at least one meal. You can read more at Katy and Mish's blogs. So here's what I ate today:

5:30am pre run fuel 3 energy bites. These are some home made goodies that our local food co-op sells made out of nuts and other yummy ingredients all vegan!

Breakfast: Green Monster with 1/2 c vanilla almond milk, 1/2c water, spinach, 1/4c lemon juice, pinch of cayenne pepper, 1 pear, 1 frozen banana. I bought the almond milk specifically for today. I've never tried it before. It tasted really good plain but I must say my smoothie tasted a little funny. I definitely should have added ice since the milk was warm.

I was going to have a piece of high protein toast with Earth Balance butter but when I read the ingredients for my bread it said nonfat milk! Instead I had 1/2 C of oatmeal with the almond milk and boy was that yummy! You didn't even have to add anything else to the oats!

I was really surprised that I got super hungry at around 10:30am. I usually don't get hungry until 11:30am. I'm wondering if the almond milk has less protein then regular milk? I didn't have any Vegan snacks at work so that was bummer!

I didn't get to eat lunch until 12:30pm when I had a baked sweet potato topped with Earth Balance butter, sea salt, black beans and salsa. I also had a honey crisp apple topped with almond butter. I was definitely feeling the need for protein!

Unfortunately I won't be able to eat Vegan for dinner. We are having our annual pre Thanksgiving potluck here at church and I don't know if I could accurately decipher what was Vegan....if there was anything! I will be focusing on making the healthiest choices possible and not going overboard! I did bring some afternoon snacks back to work with me, a few carrot sticks and one of Angela's Globars, Present! So those are my Vegan meals thus far!

My husband gave me a hard time when he saw my Globar because it had 210 calories and 8grams of fat. I tried to explain to him that all the ingredients were whole and healthy but he didn't seem to buy it. I give him a hard time when he buys the chocolate covered Quaker granola bars which are actually lower in calories. This is what will be a struggle for me. I'm use to eat low "point" granola bars with low calories and lots of fiber (which also give me a belly ache). These bars were usually 2-3 points. I figured out the points for Globars before I dropped Weight Watchers and they were more like 5-6. I'm trying not think about it. Also trying not to eat them unless I am truly hungry not just because they are there and good for me.

Another part of my "plan" is to write down what I eat but without calories and such, when I eat it, and how I feel physically and mentally when I eat it. I hoping this will help me learn to intuitively eat while making smart choices. I've also decided not to weightmy self for a month. This will be tricky as I usually weighed once a week if not more!

That's all for now, got lots of work to do!

Technorati Tags: Vegan,Globars,intuitive eating

Breaking Up is Hard to Do

2009-11-18T17:02:00.002-06:00

I've been in a relationship for 15 years! Wow, 15 years and I'm only 29. This relationship started because I was 14 years old, weighed 185lbs, was inactive AND was in wedding. I so embarrassed to have to order an "extended size" bridesmaid gown and my mother was not too pleased at the price tag! My mom had tried to encourage me to diet and exercise but it wasn't until the impending wedding that I actually wanted to do something about it. So, I joined Weight Watchers. Yes, it's true I've been a Weight Watcher member (on and off again) for 15 years. This was not a "bad" relationship. In fact I actually use to lead Weight Watcher meetings when I was at goal and lived on my own. I do really think they have a sound program and it's come a long way in the last 15 years (and I should know). Lately however I've wanted to just give it a break for awhile and not because I didn't have time to go to meetings, or I wasn't the following the program, I was just looking for something different. In case you don't know when you attend WW meetings you get weighed weekly and you have to pay to attend meetings until you reach your goal weight, which is based on BMI. You write down all the food you eat and each food is assigned a points value. You can only have so many points per day plus an extra allotment for the whole week. If you exercise you "earn" more points but you choose to eat them or not ( so basically you are counting calories). I was just getting frustrated. I am not at my goal weight but I am active every day, I teach 3-4 fitness classes per week at the YMCA. When I'm not teaching I attend other classes, swim and run. I try my hardest to eat healthy, whole foods. I just didn't want to have to have the love hate relationship with food. I don't want to not eat something even though I KNOW it's nutritious but I don't have enough "points" left. One reason that kept me from quitting was I attended with my mother-in-law and it was a nice time for us to spend together on a weekly basis. We got word that our regular Wednesday morning meeting was being canceled and we would have to go to another one. This was my chance! I could tell my mother-in-law that the other times didn't really work for me (which the don't). Well, she wants to take a break too so, there you have it...I broke up with Weight Watchers.
To be honest it is quite freeing but now I'm asking myself....what do I do now? Do I quit writing down my food all together? Do I write down my food but not points and just strive for healthy whole foods? Do I weigh myself weekly? monthly? or not at all. I'm a little nervous to just quit cold turkey I certainly don't want to gain weight and I would like to be at a healthy weight for my body type. Well, I guess you'll have to stay tuned to find out more.

It's time

2009-11-13T09:58:00.001-06:00

As you can see I have not posted for a week. In my mind and heart some pretty major things have been going on. I wanted to blog about these things and thought about how I would write about them all week. It's time that I finally got these things out. So sit back and relax this is going to be a long one.

As I mentioned in my previous post I was going to be busy with a Confirmation retreat all day on Saturday. The first year I was in charge of this retreat we did an over night, starting on Friday evening and going until Saturday noon. The previous leader of this retreat had always gone home to sleep and left University students in charge of the high school students over night. I did the same. After all I am a married woman and I only live 4 blocks away from church. Apparently in the middle of the night one young man caused quite a ruckus and ran around the church naked. Also before the retreat (literally the day of the retreat) I had a parent call and ream me out because they had NO idea this was a required event (it had been on out calendar since August) and there child couldn't go. It left me feeling pretty down and discouraged.

Last year I decided to do away with the retreat and offer two all day retreats one in the fall and one in the winter. This seemed to work out well as the young people had two dates to choose from. We met from 9:00am-6:00pm. It was a VERY long day for everyone involved. It did seem to go okay though. There was still a lot of complaining about how long the retreat was.

This year I offered the same deal only I shortened it even more going from 11:00am-6:00pm. Last Saturday's retreat only had 9 people signed up, and I knew by looking at the names that they would be quiet bunch and it might be challenging to get them to talk. All seemed to be going well despite the fact that one kid didn't show up so we were down to 8 kids. Unfortunately for us is was a BEAUTIFUL day, sunny and 70 degrees, pretty rare for Wisconsin in November. After lunch I had the young folks go outside. When I got outside one of them was missing. My small group leaders said he just walked away! I started to panic a little. One of the other young people had this young man's cell phone number. I called it and there was no answer. I left a message asking him to please call me as it was a matter of safety. I sent the rest of the kids to their next activity. I tried contacting this young man's parents. All I got was voice mail. I left messages calmly but firmly telling them what happened and asking them to call me and help locate him. I joined the rest of the group. I told the friend of the young man who walked away that if he contacted him to let me know because it was a matter of safety. Eventually I found out that the young man was fine and went to a friends house. When I finally got a hold of his mother she said she never got my messages but knew where her son was. She told me he really didn't want to go on the retreat but she told him to go and then decide it he wanted to stay (nice right? I mean he was only there for 2 hours!). I informed her that he never let me know he was leaving and just walked away. Needless to say that this young man has decided not to to get Confirmed.

The reason I am telling you all this is to illustrate my frustration with this job and ministry in general. When I was growing up I was the kid who wanted to go on retreats. I gave up several three day weekends to go on retreats. It was through these experiences I came to discover what I thought was was God's call in my life to ministry. I find myself asking, "Is this really for me?"It's kind of scary when you begin to doubt your whole life's work. I feel so beaten down. I feel so unsuccessful. I am one who always said, "You might never see the fruit of your labor but you must plant the seeds." I'm getting a little jaded with this way of thinking. I feel like I am constantly bending backwards to meet the needs of the parents and young people who put church last. Even on the evaluations the young people wrote that the retreat was too long. What do these people want? I've already shortened it from an 18hour overnight retreat to a 9 hour retreat to a 7hour retreat.

I was really angry about last Saturday. Not, that a young person decided not to get confirmed that happens all the time but with how it all went down. I wasn't even given the courtesy of a phone call to let me know where this kid was, I had to call the parents several times before finding out he was safe.

I've been mulling all these occurrences and thoughts over for the past week. And this is only half of my job. The Campus Ministry portion is not going well either, but I'll save that for another post. I've really begun to take a look at my life and ask ,"Is this truly worth it? Is it worth all the time I give, the lack of a social life, working nights and weekends, not being able to spend time with my husband, and all this stress? Is it worth feeling underappreciated, and unutilized? And what am I going to do about it?" I've known for a long time that I could not do this job forever. It wasn't until this past weekend that I realized I need to start taking some action to get me out of this situation. I don't know exactly what that means or how I am going to do it. I hope that through this blog I can formulate a long term plan.

Later today I'll post some more on this and the challenges I've had with Campus Ministry and working for the Church in general. I hope these don't seem like downer posts. I don't really feel down or depressed. I'm just thinking about a lot of things and this is a good place for me to write them out.

Pumpkin and Black Bean Soup

2009-11-06T10:49:00.001-06:00

So awhile back Heather posted this recipe on her blog. I had the ingredients but just not the time to make it. Last night the husband was off fishing so I decided to whip it up and let me tell you it was DECLICOUS! The only substitution I made was instead of heavy cream I used skim milk and I probably added a little more cayenne pepper then it calls for since I like things spicy! It was warm and rich and comforting! I'm getting hungry just thinking about it. It was also really easy to make. The whole thing probably only took me 30minutes. Besides chopping up an onion all you have to do is open cans and dump. I'm actually kind of sad that I have lunch plans and won't we able to eat the leftovers for lunch.

It was a really beautiful day yesterday I really wanted to go for a run after work but I had this terrible pain in my neck and shoulder, I think it was just because I slept funny because it's better today. When my alarm went off at 5:30am this morning the thought of running on the treadmill did not entice me. I went back to sleep and took advantage of the sun rising at 6:30 and a dog with lots of energy who like to run. We did a 30minute run up a pretty long hill and then back down. It was great! I really need to take advantage of outside running while I can.

Big Confirmation retreat tomorrow so I'll be pretty bust and should actually be working on stuff right now! Have a good weekend!

Technorati Tags: recipe,fall,running

Why we blog

2009-11-05T12:32:00.001-06:00

So I was reading Heather's race recap just now and remembering my first 5K. Can you believe that my first 5K was so long ago that blogging hadn't even been invented? Yes, that's right! My first 5K was in the spring of 2000. I was never a runner, never thought of myself as a runner, and had no inclination of becoming a runner. That December I was 19 years old weighed almost 200lbs and was living a very unhealthy lifestyle. My mom and I saw a sign at the local YMCA advertising and informational meeting on a women's triathlon group that was forming. I'm not sure which one of us decided it would be a good idea to check this out but we did (my mom was 52 at the time and not an athlete, she didn't even know how to swim). We were both inspired by what the three women giving the presentation had to say about this triathlon. They in turn empowered us to want to do a triathlon and so we started training. When I look back now that training for that triathlon was truly a transformational time in my life. I wish now that I would have documented the changes and challenges I experienced while learning to become a tri-athlete. If you would have told me then that I would now be teaching classes at that same Y I would have told you you were crazy. Sometimes I wonder how I got from there to here and wish I would have documented my journey. I don't really know why I blog. This blog started out being about my challenges with working in ministry, then changed to my challenges with infertility, and now is just a whole mess of things. Sometimes I wish that my blog would be famous and that lots of people would read it and companies would offer me products to review. I also know that in order for that to happen I would need to work harder at this blog. I don't really write to get noticed. I write for myself, to document what is going on now. I share what I write with the blog world because it is my hope that some how I connect with someone out there. I know the blogs I read have certainly formed connections within me. Sometimes I forget that I don't even know these people in the really world.

Why do you blog?

Technorati Tags: triathlons,blogging,transforming

What I'm missing

2009-11-03T15:47:00.001-06:00

Well, it's been kind of a slow day here at the office. That's good I suppose. I was suppose to work three nights this week but found out this morning that A. The soup kitchen I take students to on Thursday is closed this week for remodeling and B. No students signed up go any way. Yay! A surprise night off! This is good since I have an all day retreat for our confirmation students on Saturday.

As I was swimming a mile this morning I was really missing my past colleagues at the middle school I use to work at. We were such a social bunch and really worked together to teach our students. Every morning before the bell rang we would gather in the social studies teacher's room and fill up our coffee mugs and chat about our day. When it was parent teacher conferences we would go out to the local sports bar afterwards for a drink or two. They even threw me a wedding shower. We just don't do that sort of stuff around here. It's so depressing sometimes. Guess I'm just looking for a change these days. Not sure where or how but I've got my ears perked. Like they say, "You don't know what you've got til it's gone."

On another note I have this simmering in the crock pot for when I get home! Today is my hubby's birthday and he took half a day to enjoy being out in the woods!

Technorati Tags: chicken,teaching,swimming

Windows Live Writer

2009-11-03T10:17:00.001-06:00

Thanks to Angela's Blog I just discovered Windows Live Writer! Where have I been? This rocks! I just had to try it out. Sorry for the random weird, downer of a post before. Will try to be more clear next time. Now to try some pics

Oh yeah! This is so much easier! Too bad I don't think I have this on my home computer just my work laptop! Okay, not so cool! Now it won't publish!

I guess it will publish without the pictures?

Fixed something! Hope it works!

Thinking about IF again

2009-11-02T12:13:00.002-06:00

I wasn't going to post today because I was kind of in a bummer of a mood. First of all Aunt Flo showed up this morning. I knew she was coming yesterday so it wasn't a big surprise. I really had to PMS symptoms so I was still really hopeful that I could give the husband an AWESOME birthday present. When you've been trying for over a year it is so hard to not think about it. I'm finding it hard to not think about the what if's. What if we're not pregnant by the end of this year? What will the tests tell us? Where will we go from there? What if we are doing something wrong? Oh well. I guess I get to enjoy some read wine for awhile again...I've really been craving it.
Also, a girl at the Y who teaches Zumba is leaving. I was hoping to pick up her classes for the extra cash but got and email this morning that this other girl Lindsay took them. This Lindsay girl seemed to appear out of no where. I've never seen her at a staff meeting, I'm pretty sure she's not on the schedule but in the last two days she subbed two classes that I could have taken. Her GST class this morning was really good (really hard) but the Zumba class she subbed on Monday wasn't that good so this kind of bums me out. I did get another email from our boss that said she would get me on the Zumba schedule for winter/spring so that is good.
This crabby mood started yesterday. I was at church/work and this younger guy Dave was greeting. Dave just happened to interview for my job when I did. My one boss (K) has told me that when he came to interview he acted like he already had the job. She thinks my other boss (J) pretty much told him he had the job but the committee picked me. What bothers me is the way J treats Dave, like he's his best buddy. I wonder what life at my church would have been like if Dave would have gotten the position. I know he would have driven K nuts. I'm not saying that I don't think I'm qualified for the job or that Dave would have been better but it just irritated me.
Don't worry I'm not a total Debbie Downer today. I got my house clean and cup cakes made for my husband's birthday. Going to eat some lunch and chill for the rest of the afternoon!

A Homey Halloween

2009-10-31T14:26:00.003-05:00

Hi All!
I was totally going to post yesterday but I got so busy at work it just didn't happen. Then after work we went here for my husband's birthday. This is seriously one of the best restaurants and it's located in a little town south of where we live. I had planned on having the spinach lasagna but when the waitress told us one of the specials was kale and mushroom lasagna using local kale and mushrooms I just had to have it! I've never seen kale on the menu anywhere! It was very good and I'm looking forward to the leftovers for dinner. I also tried a wine called Scaia it was SOOOOOOO good! Afterwards we went on the haunted hike called Ghoulies in the Coulees so fun! Then home to watch out DVRed shows. Today we slept in and then watched a movie. I headed off to Zumba and Brian went hunting. I was considering going shopping but it's 2:30 and I'm in my bath robe with wet hair. Plus I have to head to church at 4:30. Better dry that hair or everyone will think I'm dressed up at IT for Halloween!

The things I've done

2009-10-28T15:52:00.002-05:00

You may have noticed my weight ticker went down this morning (finally!). I've come a long way since I wrote this post. I may not have lost a lot of pounds but I:
1. have completely given up drinking coffee and only drink small amounts of caffeine in tea
2. have completely given up eating "fake" sugars like splenda and equal. I rarely use any sugar and if I do it's cane sugar
3. am wearing the same jeans in those pictures that felt tight, they don't feel tight today
4. have consistently done yoga at least 1 time a week if not more
5. have cooked lots of new recipes I've found on other blogs that are healthy and wholesome
6. changed my out look on what it means to be "healthy"
7. stopped wearing make-up

Yep! Pretty good things I think! I wouldn't mind being down in weight but oh well. I am going to stick with Weight Watchers if only for my mother-in-law's sake. Most of what they say is good but when other members or the leader starts rambling on about their delicious Weight Watcher bars or baked chips I tend to tune out. Not that those are bad things they just aren't wholesome.

In other totally unrelated, shouldn't even be mentioning it on my blog since I'm trying not to think or focus on this news: I figure I'm about 9DPO (I'm still not charting) and I have had a back ache which I mentioned earlier and bad cramps in my calves. I'm trying not to interpret these as early pregnancy signs but it's kind of hard not too. Not to mention the night I went to bed at 8pm and woke up at 6:30am. I also am trying (unsuccessfully) not to imagine how awesome it would be to give my husband a positive pregnancy test or a little onesie that says, "I love my daddy." for his birthday which just happens to fall on my estimated 15DPO and when I should technically be 1 day "late" Or I'm trying not to envision how awesome it would be to announce this news at Thanksgiving or Christmas (just like I envisioned last year) to our families. Sigh! Oh well, I guess some things never change! Maybe I'm just sore from that crazy David Farmer podcast I did on Sunday which included about 1 million downdogs!

Rambling Pumpkins!

2009-10-27T14:39:00.002-05:00

Hello!
Well, until just about now this day has been crazy! I'm hosting a Halloween Event for my college kids tonight. Originally a young man who sells pumpkins was going to donate his left overs to us BUT he never returned my email or my phone call (annoying!). Then our secretary was going to bring me some pumpkins but she is sick today and was sick yesterday. She lives WAY out in the boonies so I wasn't about to go drive out and bug her while she's sick. On top of that I remembered that the paint we have here around church is old and crusty so I had to rush off to the craft store before even going into the office. So my plan was to work in the office in the morning I had a meeting with two students at noon and then I was going to rush home, eat lunch, whip up some corn bread to bake in the crock pot, then head out to find pumpkins and buy the rest of the groceries I needed for tonight. When I got home I discovered that someone (my husband) used all the cornmeal....kind of hard to make corn bread muffins with out cornmeal! I was getting a little frustrated with my day! I headed to the grocery store and low and behold they still had pumpkins! So I got all my shopping done for the party AND bought cornmeal. I rushed back home to whip up the cornbread and now I'm back at the office with literally nothing to do. Well, there are things I could do but nothing I HAVE to do! So that has been my day so far. I have a hair cut this afternoon. I've been growing my hair out and it's really getting annoying! I hope after this trim it will be a little more manageable!

I totally skipped my workout this morning. Last night the husband and I were in bed before 8pm...yes that's right before 8pm. We both had not slept well the night before me because he was snoring him because he claims I kept yelling at him for snoring! I swear I was asleep before 8:30. When the alarm went off at 5:30am I just couldn't bear the thought of running on the treadmill. I stayed in bed until 6:45am. I was worried I was getting sick but I feel pretty good today. My back has really been hurting when I sleep. Not sure what that's all about! I wish I could run after work it is so beautiful out! Sun shining and over 50 degrees! Alas with the hair cut and the party I don't think I'll have time. Maybe a short walk with the puppers!

Check out this AWESOME give away on Heather's Blog. Have a good day!

MIA

2009-10-26T10:31:00.004-05:00

I was a little MIA this weekend. In face I didn't turn on the computer once yesterday. I was totally unplugged and it felt good! I had planned a long run for Sunday per my usual routine but when I woke up I just wasn't feeling it. I was a little sore from Saturday's work out and it was dark and gloomy out. I decided to listen to my body and not run. Instead I did my first ever David Farmer Power Yoga podcast. I've never even done Power Yoga and let me tell you, was I surprised! It was HARD and I was sweating! I've never sweated during yoga before. But it was all good! Glad I did it. Later in the day I went to a movie all by myself. I tried to get some of my girlfriends to go but they were all busy. I really wanted to see Julie and Julia and it was playing at our cheap theater. The husband was off hunting so I went. I was a little worried about seeing this movie. When I was reading the infertility blogs a lot of ladies said they saw this and it was about infertility. True Julia Child couldn't have a baby but that wasn't what the film focused on. The best part of the movie, they sell alcohol at the theater. I got a glass of zin and settled in for a great movie. What a splendid day to spend the afternoon! This weekend I also made this mac and cheese/squash recipe from Heather. It was delicious! And some 0 point soup (a la Weight Watchers) both of which I am looking forward to for lunch. Even though it's my day off I was suppose to go in for a meeting at 7pm tonight BUT none of my committee members could make it so I'm off the hook! This is good because I have stuff every night this week! Hope you're having a good Monday!

Busy Busy Busy!

2009-10-23T14:26:00.007-05:00

Hi Everyone! Long time no blog! Guess what I got to do at work today?? Cook!

So I came up with an idea to help us build community among our college students Friday lunches! We did this in the past but I stopped doing it because of the cost of eating out for myself. Some of the students were also unable to afford it. So, I asked my boss if I could have some money from the budget to cook some simple lunches for our students. It went pretty well considering the fact that I prepared lunch for 5 and 15 showed up! I didn't even get to try the veggie chili I made! I got the recipe from Kraft Food and Family magazine but can't seem to find the recipe online. I also made these delicious pumpkin, chocolate, coconut bars which I read about on Heather's blog.

I put coconut on half since I know how some people feel about coconut. I'm glad I checked on these when I did because the coconut was getting a little toasty! I did get to try these and they were delicious and only 3 points (if you're a Weight Watcher) for a pretty good chunk!

Pretty soon I "have to" join the Nia group that started at church. I guess it's my new job to make sure they keep this in line with our values and mission here at church by adding a prayer component. It's a tough job but someone has to do it! Actually it's because of this lunch and Nia that I've been so busy. I know I have to get all my other important work done Tuesday-Thursday because I won't have much time on Friday. It's good...I was getting a little bored there for awhile!

In exercise news I ran Tuesday after work which was a good idea because it's been raining ever since, I did yoga on Wednesday at lunch, a Group Strength class Thursday morning, and ran on the treadmill this morning. I always considered myself a morning exerciser and even though I prefer it I am enjoying working out at different times especially if it means being outside and using the daylight while it lasts!

No plans for the weekend except a play tonight and I have to finish a paper for grad school and of course put my hours in at work! Should be pretty relaxing! Yay!

My attempt at baking!

2009-10-19T06:45:00.003-05:00

Hi everyone! Happy Monday! It's about 6:45am and I am up and ready to go! The dish drainer has been empty, green smoothie supplies are in place, there's a load in the washer, and the doggie is waiting for a walk, I'm just waiting for it to get a little lighter out so we're not walking in the dark.

Yesterday was VERY productive except for the fact that I didn't get to post! I went to church/work at 8:30am then hit up our local food co-op for our weekly produce needs and some baking supplies. I came home and went for and AWESOME run! The weather was AMAZING! It was 550 which we haven't seen in weeks. It was sunny, a little windy but not too bad. I intended to do my 5.75 mile route. I don't usually run in the middle of the day but I've been trying running at different times so I can take advantage of the day light and not resort to using the treadmill! I was a little worried on how I'd do. I hadn't run that far in awhile and I had already been on my feet all morning. Well this was a great run! Except for dressing a little to warmly and having shed a few layers I felt so strong! I felt like I could run for ever and the hour just flew right by! My computer randomly found some old playlists I had made when I had my old MP3 players so I jammed out to that. It was wonderful! Then I came home and did something I NEVER do...I baked! I had read a few blogs that mentions these apple, raisin, walnut, muffins. They look and sounded good plus easy. I also have had a pumpkin obsession lately. Pumpkin smoothies, pumpkin oats, pumpkin beer, pumpkin lattes and decided to try these muffins on Angela's site. I must admit baking is not as hard as I thought! These turned out pretty well!

Apple, walnut, raisin muffins!

Pumpkin Muffins!

Close up of pumpkin muffins!

Close up of apple muffins.

Well, the dog is bugging me to give her a walk even though it is still dark out. Today is my day off. I've got some cleaning to do, a few Zumba songs to practice, then I teach Group Strength at the Y. The hubby and I have great plans to grocery shopping after he gets done with work whoo hoo! Exciting I know! Have a good Monday!

Saturday My Way

2009-10-17T13:24:00.003-05:00

Hey all! Hope you're having a great Saturday! I sure am! I got to sleep in until 6:30am! Whoo hoo! I tidied up the house a bit and got some stuff together for my cycling class I was teaching. I made Operation Beautiful Notes for everyone in my class. I taped one to every bike and told folks to take it home if they would like. Some did!

Here's the one I left for tomorrows instructor before I left.

These were the other two I left

I wrote out a "to do" list. Top of the list was getting my grad school papers in order. I have one more paper to write but still need to finish the book. Other than that I am good to go. I also organized my collection of recipes. It drove me crazy every time loose papers would come flying out! I also have on my "to do" list finish reading old magazines. I know it's tough but it bugs me when the new ones come and I haven't even finished the previous issue. I just want to make sure I'm not missing anything! I also want to work on some Zumba songs, do laundry, and run to the Co-op but these can all be done tomorrow as well. I love having TIME! I do have to go into to work for a bit but it's not big deal. My Zune has been acting crazy lately so I still have to figure that out but other than that life is good! Husband is gone hunting all day and he took the puppers this morning so she's all worn out. The day is mine!

Lot's to Ramble About

2009-10-16T12:13:00.005-05:00

Hello! Happy Friday! I don't about you but where I am it may be cold (40 degrees) but the sun is shining and we haven't seen the sun for a few days now! I've had a pretty good couple of days. I had this idea that I wanted to try here with our University students but I was afraid to bring it up to my boss because every time I do I get shot down. So yesterday was our weekly meeting. I had decided that I was just going to lay it on the line and tell him my idea and be myself....what's the worst he could say...no. Well he said yes! It was actually one of the best meetings I've had with him in the three plus years I worked here.

I also posted my first Operation Beautiful note. Seriously, check out this site. Caitlin is even writing a book because of this site! I posted my note on the sign outside of a tanning salon that I pass every day going to and from work. It makes me so sad that all these girls and guys think they have to look a certain way and in doing so are harming their bodies.

Here is the full sign

The sign with the note a little more visible

Then the note close up!

I submitted this for the book but honestly I don't care if they get in or not. I just really wanted to so it! I subbing cycling class tomorrow and thinking about making a note for every bike and getting their early to tape it to each one. If the class isn't full I'll just keep the notes on the bikes that weren't taken.

On a related note, I decided not to wear makeup for a week. After reading this post by Angela I thought, "I could try this! I don't really think I look that different without make-up anyway!" So I'm on day two of that! Let me tell you! I have way more time in the morning. I still get a little worried when I look in the mirror and see some acne but I don't look in the mirror that often! My skin actually feels better!

So, I've been reading a lot of blogs similar to Caitlin's and Angela's and I am also thinking about quitting Weight Watchers. I have been an on again off again WW member for 15 years! When I was at my "goal weight" I even led meetings! I do really like the WW program. I think it has changed a lot since I was 14. They are trying to encourage more members to eat more whole foods and to get the most nutrition and fulfillment from these foods. I'm just tired of all the obsessing with tracking and counting and weighing in every week. Just for an example, the hubbie and I went to Barnes and Noble last night. I got a small, decaf, non-fat, pumpkin spice latte. It was SOOOOOOO good! I really enjoyed it. I went home and looked up the nutritional info...6 points! Holy Crap! That's usually what I eat for breakfast! Then I felt bad! I wrote it down. I guess writing it down and counting the points to make me realize I didn't need a piece of chocolate after dinner but still, why couldn't I just enjoy it and move on. It's not like a drink one of these every day. I didn't feel like "wasted" points on this. No, I am not at my ideal weight but, I can run 6 miles not problem. I teach fitness classes 2-4 times per week. I eat a ton of veggies and fruits and have even dabbled in vegetarian and vegan cuisines. I'm just afraid to let go of the program. I'm afraid I won't be able to listen to my body and over indulge too much. Also, my mother-in-law has been going to WW with me for over a year. At first she was successful but now she doesn't really follow the program. I think she just goes because then she gets to spend time with me! I don't want her to lose the few healthy habits she did learn. It also cost money which I would like to start trying to save more of! I'm still going to think about it and talk to the husband about what he thinks, especially since it's his mom!

Well, I have plans with a students of mine to go sample some pumpkin beer at a local "pub" I'm pretty excited! I've had a pumpkin obsession lately! I've had pumpkin in my Green Monster every day for two weeks! Have a great weekend!

Yoga Healer of All Ills

2009-10-14T15:11:00.002-05:00

Wow! Two posts in one day! I went to yoga at the YMCA over my lunch hour and I feel MUCH better! It's amazing what a little physical exercise and relaxation can do for you! I am planning on fitting in a run between my office hours and youth ministry tonight. I did this last week and whoa! I had tons of energy for those kiddos. Plus I don't get my usual morning cardio in since I got to Weight Watcher meetings in the morning. So, all seems right with the world....that is, until I chat with my coworker about the retreat situation....she just got a call from another mother! It will be fine! I'm all zen now!

Should be?

2009-10-14T10:32:00.002-05:00

So, I should be working but I really need to write this out. I have so many thoughts going on in my head right now and they are not good ones. I'm pretty down today. Lot's going on including the fact that I haven't lost any weight in two weeks ( up 1lb in fact). But really me feeling down doesn't have anything to do with weight. It's my work...again. A lot of it stems from my previous post. My grad school class was great last weekend. Truly inspiring and energizing. At one point the professor, who also happens to be a long times personal friend of my family and has know me since I was a baby said to me, "I'm really glad you are in this program. I get the sense that at your work you don't get to use all your gifts and talents and during these classes you do." I was kind of shocked. First of all I was surprised that he knows what goes on around here (actually I'm not that surprised) but I was even more surprised that what he just said clearly articulated what I've been feeling. This is why I think I feel so frustrated here. I don't believe that I was meant to sit at a desk 90% of the time and interact with others 10% of the times. And really there isn't that much to do here at my desk yet I am expected to be here (hence the massive amount of time I spend reading blogs, twittering, and facebooking). Sometimes the work itself if just plain frustrating. We've tried to be very accommodating with our young people preparing for Confirmation. We've gone from offering one over night retreat, to two options of a full day retreat. The first one is coming up in November. The young people signed up in August/September. We sent out a reminder to the parents about the November retreat. One parent's daughter already has a conflict but if she switches there will only be three girls at the November retreat. We called the school and made arrangements for this young girl to leave our retreat 1 hours early and come to the school function 30minutes late. The mother is still raising holy hell over the whole thing. Not to mention the people I work with are kind of nuts. No one gets a long or works together very well. The woman I share an office with wouldn't let me put Halloween decorations up only "harvest". Plus this job doesn't allow me to do things I want to do like sing. I would love to be part of one of our local adult choirs but I don't always have a night free to attend rehearsal (i.e. sometimes I'm free Tuesday nights but not every Tuesday night). Or community theater. I would love to do this again but how can I when my nights are mostly booked. I'm so frustrated right now. I feel so trapped and I don't know how to get out.

Contemplating

2009-10-09T12:11:00.002-05:00

After my last post I did go home and then got out for an AWESOME 45 minute run in the beautiful sunshine. Good thing too as yesterday was cold and gloomy, today is sunny but still cold and I won't have time to run after work. I did hit up the "Revolving Apparatus of Death" (R.A.D. aka the tread mill, this was stolen from th Fitnessista by the way).
So, I've been thinking a lot about my job. This is my 4th year here at the church and each year has been a challenge in and of itself. Every year does get a little bit better yet I still am left with a feeling that I meant to do more. I'm not really sure where this is coming from. It could be because I've been reading about Angela's amazing story on how she left her job and fulfilled her dreams. Check out her blog and her story if you haven't. One thing that I see as different in my story is that I feel like I am meant to work in some way serving God by spreading his message to others. I have always felt this way. The grad school classes I'm taking also enforce in my heart that this is what I am called to be. Yet, I question if the church I am at or the specific work I am doing is HOW I am called to do this. We talk a lot about not letting your light hide under a basket and I feel like because of the situation I am in I am forced to hide my light. Any time I try something new or suggest something new I am not heard. The problem is I don't know where I am suppose to go or what else I am suppose to do. I also have an extreme interest in health and fitness but no formal schooling in this area. I can some what dabble in this through teaching fitness classes which I love. BUT my other job is so demanding that I can not do it as much as I want to. I also use to lead Weight Watcher meetings when and I loved that too. Just, not enough time now. One of my fears is money. I married a man for is character and personality not because he was rich or made promises of giving me an "easy" life. If I didn't work it would be tough. I just feel like I'm floundering right now. I am not fulfilled. And I don't know what to do about it. Part of me wonders if my desire to have a child is also a desire to do more or do something different or just change the situation I am in. I'm not sure if that is the right reason to want a baby. Ho hum! Sorry for such a serious post on a Friday! I'm actually having a great day just have been thinking about a lot of stuff. I have grad school tonight and all day tomorrow and I am totally pumped for it! We also got Ti-Vo (or DVR I guess) yesterday and it is rocking my world! How did I ever live without it! Thanks for hearing my thoughts!

Start Again

2009-10-07T15:06:00.002-05:00

AF came this morning...right on time. I have mixed feelings about this. I know we said we were just going to let it go and not chart or "try" and we did just that but it's hard to not think about it. It's like the elephant in the room. The plan is to "not try" for the fall so I guess two more months, then chart again and see an OB in January when I would normally get a check up. I guess we'll still stick with that plan but I can't help thinking here's one more cycle that didn't work. Something is wrong with us! I just know it! We should just get it over with and find out what it is!
I also gained 1.2lbs this week, not surprised with my lack of exercise and lack of tracking. I'm back on track though. I went to yoga at lunch time and might even squeeze in a run between finishing my office hours coming back for youth ministry. It is so beautiful out. Sunny and bright! It's been pretty gloomy the past few days and we just won't get too many more great days like this. It would be a shame to waste it.

Off my game

2009-10-06T14:55:00.002-05:00

Well, things did not go as planned. I skipped my run on Sunday because I was feeling a little sore from teaching two classes back to back at the Y. I fully intended on running on Monday since I didn't have to teach and had the whole day free. I got a call Sunday night from someone needing a sub for the 6am Group Strength class. I figured, why not? I'd still be getting exercise and get paid. So I taught planning on running on the treadmill at the Y this morning. I was in bed before 9am and stopped reading at 9:15 to go to sleep. When my alarm went off at 5:30am I hit snooze and fell back asleep. When it went off again I just couldn't fathom getting up. So, I stayed in bed. I actually slept. Usually when this happens I toss and turn and don't really fall back asleep. I got up on my own, earlier then I had to in order to get ready for work so I did some yoga. Don't know what my deal is. Yesterday I also took a nap! A nap! I never take a nap! I actually feel pretty good right now but I'm looking forward to having another night off where I can put my sweats on an chill. AF was "due" today (based on a 28 cycle). So far I feel nothing normal like crampy or bloating or crabiness. My face did break out a lot over the weekend but healed itself right up. I'd be lying if I didn't tell you that I have a little bit of hope just because I've been feeling so off. But really I didn't chart at all and we hardly BDed because DH was busy hunting and had poison ivy! And I was really busy with work.
I weigh in tomorrow. Don't know how I'll do. I actually managed to stay off the scale this week. I made some really yummy, healthy, vegetarian dishes this weekend but I haven't been very good at tracking. I'm thinking that this combined with my lack of exercise might not bode well. I am in such a state of limbo! We shall see!

Half way through the weekend!

2009-10-04T07:58:00.002-05:00

Whew! Yesterday was a busy but fun Saturday. It's the opening of duck hunting here and Brian, his dad, his brother, and a buggy took off early in the morning to hunt! Best part is they take our dog so I don't have to attend to her. Bad part is they get up so freak'n early that I of course wake up have to pee and then have a hard time falling back asleep! I taught two classes at the YMCA yesterday, group strength and Zumba both back to back. It was a little intense but I think I did well. For some reason I was really nervous. But it all went well. Today I am really sore though. I woke up intending to run 5-6miles but I am being smart and listening to my body. Might go do some yoga in my basement soon. Yesterday I also stopped at our local Co-op and bough some fruits and veggies. I also prepped a delicious soup that I found here That will be simmering all day in the crock pot! Don't you just love the crock pot in the fall? I also ran down to the knit shop to get help on a project that was driving me mad! By the time I was done there I had to go to work/church. That went well, fairly quiet on a cold rainy Sataurday night. Then home to check the blogs, eat with the hubby, and stay up late watching a movie and knitting.
Plans for today include, yoga, a green smoothie, church/work, a yummy vegetarian lunch, a trip to the mall to get a security tag removed (annoying I know!), and while I'm there I might swing by Starbucks for a pumpkin spice latte! I also have this huge desire to try pumpkin beer and they sell it out by our mall. My friends Joe and Darick are running the Twin Cities Marathon so I'll be tracking them too! Enjoy the fall weekend!

Weighty Ramble

2009-09-30T11:43:00.003-05:00

As you can see from my ticker I lost 0.6lbs this week...which is good...right? I'm actually getting a little frustrated. As you can tell from my posts I've been very committed to exercise and eating "clean" these past few weeks. I've also done a good job journaling what I've eaten. Yet, the weight is coming off so slowly it's hard to stay motivated. I asked the receptionist at Weight Watchers this morning (she's also a good friend) if they ever recommend that folks who exercise a lot eat all of the activity points they earn. She said they don't recommend anything one way or another just leave it as an option. One WW food point equals approx. 50 calories and one WW activity point equals approx. 100 calories burned. I've been eating about half of my activity points for a few reasons. 1. After running for 50 minutes I'm HUNGARY 2. I didn't want to eat all of them for fear I over estimated my calories burned. But is the over calorie calculations are correct I should be okay eating all of them since I still have a deficit. I'm going to try and eat all my activity points this week but try and use them for healthy clean choices like nuts, other protein, low-fat dairy, fruit, etc. I'm going to use the weekly points allowance for "treats" like chocolate and wine. I'm also going to us SparkPeople to track actual calories in and out although after just one morning of using it I feel it's kind of a pain. I do want to lose weight but more importantly I wan to be healthy.
I "ONLY" have to work 10 hours today so when I get done with work I might hit up Old Navy. I bought some yoga stuff there and love it! I'm wearing the yoga pants at work right now because I'm headed to a noon class. With black boots and a nice shirt and vest they don't look half bad. I definitely want another pair.
Also, stay tuned for a post about the AMAZING speaker I heard last night, Greg Mortenson. We had to read his book Three Cups of Tea for grad school and it was truly inspiring. I ran home and immediately wrote a paper about the book (due for class). I just want to share this amazing man's story with you!

Ramblings

2009-09-27T09:37:00.002-05:00

It's a lovely Fall morning here in the Midwest. I ran for 50 minutes this morning it was great! I didn't feel quiet as awesome as I did last Sunday but still, I couldn't ask for better conditions. It's about 58 degrees and sunny. I returned home for a green smoothie and got caught up on the blogs. Yesterday I was in class all day. It was great! My grad school courses really inspire and keep me focused on what is really important in my calling. Some how thought it gets me thinking about my dysfunctional situation at my job, I sometimes feel trapped and don't feel like I can be the type of servant leader that I am called to be. I know that I have to accept where I am for what it is and be the best leader I can be in that situation. Yet, I feel called to more. I'm not sure what that more is. I know that God will lead me or keep me where I am suppose to be. Speaking of work I need to head there soon so I better shower and clean up the kitchen a bit. My husband has been so awesome in taking care of the dog, doing the dishes, and making dinner while I've been so busy with my stuff. He's a good guy! I'm so blessed! Have a good Sunday!

Goals

2009-09-23T10:48:00.004-05:00

Well, I gained this week. Only 0.2lbs but still a little bit of a bummer. Today at my Weight Watcher meeting we talked about setting goals as far as weight loss goes. I've reached my "goal weight" twice in my life. The last time I did this was the Wednesday before Thanksgiving in 2003 (wow! 6 years ago). Actually this was the day I got back into range (2lbs above my goal weight). I can distinctly remember how awesome that felt. I had just gone to the mall and bought pants in a size 8! Then the day before Christmas I actually got to my goal (I think). This made healthy eating during the holidays so much easier. I was so close to goal and I wanted to reach it and keep it and never let it go. Well here I am six years later and 15lbs heavier. The eve of Thanksgiving is actually 9 weeks away and the day before Christmas Eve is 13 weeks away. I could do this again. I want to feel that successful feeling I want that pride and confidence. I will reach it. I twill get in touch with those good feelings I had 6 years ago every time I am faced with a challenging eating situation. I will remember how I felt that day stepping on the scale seeing those numbers and knowing I had achieved my ultimate goal and I'll ask myself, "Do you really want to eat that?" Or when I'm tempted to turn off the alarm and roll back over in bed I'll think about those jeans that I eventually shrunk out of. I want more than to just feel comfortable in my clothes I want them to get lose and baggy. And they will! I will do this!

Thanks for listening to me rant. Sometimes I just need to get it out there for accountability. Check out this awesome give away on Heather's blog http://heatherbakes.com/2009/09/22/amazing-grass-giveaway/ I have actually tried Amazing Grass and really like it. I especially like it in my Green Smoothies after a long run or weight lifting.

I'm headed to Yoga in an hour or so then a lovely staff meeting! Have a good hump day. Is it just me or does Wednesday really feel like a big hump to get over in the middle of the week? Thursdays just seem so much better!

The right place at the right time

2009-09-22T10:11:00.003-05:00

Well, it's the first day of fall and I awoke to dark skies and the sound of rain falling on our roof, the perfect day to roll over and stay in bed...and that's just what I did. Yep, that's right, I did not get up and go on my intended 5 mile run. Actually I mapped my run from the other day and it was almost 6 miles! Now, wouldn't you think the scale would be my friend after that kind of run? Not so much. It's down a little bit from yesterday but not those nice 160 numbers I saw last week. I'm really okay with not running this morning. I'm a little sore from weight lifting yesterday and it has been pouring out. I hope the rain stops after work so I can take the pup for an nice long walk. I need to get away from being obsessed with the number on the scale. To be fair I'm wearing a pair of pants that a few weeks ago I was able to put on but thought, "No way! I will not be comfortable in these." Anywhoo! Not much new here. I think work is finally settling into a nice rhythm instead of craziness! Brian shot a deer (bow hunting) on Sunday so last night I hung out with my mother-in-law watching Say Yes to the Dress and Dancing with the Stars, while my husband and Father-in-law processed the deer. You should have seen Brian as we left their house with a huge bag of meat, he was so proud to be filling our freezer!

I had an awesome insight yesterday while talking with my spiritual director. I was sharing with her how glad I was to have attended the university I did at the time I did because of the great teachers and priest who are now gone. She said, "You've always been in the right place at the right time." This really hit home to me. I thought about all the wonderful experiences I've had growing up in an awesome parish as a child, attending the catholic high school in town when it was at its best, working at another parish with two awesome priests who are now gone, and so forth and so on. All of those places I attenuated or worked have changed but I got to be a part of them at a great time in their history. It didn't necessarily seem like I was in the right place at the right time, at the time but looking back I know it to be true. And so, I know that where I am right now today is the right place at the right time.

In TTC news...I've done pretty well not obesssing over this cycle but it's kind of hard to ignore the signs like lots of CM and little pains in my side and think myself I guess it's about "that time" Oh well, I'm not putting the pressure on us to BD so I guess that's good! I know God will give us a child at the right time.

So much to say

2009-09-21T07:24:00.002-05:00

First of all let me report that my parents got home safe and sound. I did get a voicemail from my mom yesterday saying my dad had a bad infection in his leg. I should probably call them an see how he is soon.
My night out with my girlfriend was awesome. We drank WAY too much wine and enjoyed some delicious food, especially the chocolate dessert. I woke up Saturday morning feeling pretty crappy. I realized we really didn't eat that much. We split a appetizer plate and had our own dessert but that was it. I weighed myself and I was WAY down...so I was happy about that. I'm sure I was pretty dehydrated. I fully intended on going to Zumba at 10:30am. After eating and of course having a green smoothies I felt loads better BUT I realized Zumba was at 9:30 and I missed it! So, I didn't exercise Saturday. Very rare for me. It was okay. I did some produce shopping and got some new yarn and knitting patterns for some projects and hung out with my hubby. I had to go into work for a little bit but then we headed out to a wedding reception. We weren't invited because the guy getting married is almost 50 and this is his first marriage so the guest list was HUGE. He had to cut someone! So we just showed up for the dance and had a blast! I drank lots of champagne too!
Brian didn't think I'd be able to get up an run Sunday morning but I did and it rocked! I did 5 miles on a new route. I felt really great. Unfortunately the scale was way up Sunday morning and is still up today despite eating clean yesterday and the long run. I plan on eating well today and have to teach Group Strength too. It's my day off but I've got lots of cleaning to do!

Go'n Good!

2009-09-18T13:03:00.003-05:00

Hello! Happy Friday! Yes! We finally made it to Friday! Too bad I have to work both Sat. and Sun.! Oh well! I'll enjoy the fun times when I can. I started out having a great. I let myself sleep in until 6:00am (wow I know!) and decided to run with the dog so I wouldn't have to walk her later. I enjoyed a nice green smoothie too! When I got to work I noticed a call on my cell phone from my mom. Last night she and my dad were leaving Hawaii to come home. I guess it was late afternoon there and evening here. So when she called this morning they were in Houston getting ready to fly back to the Midwest. I called her back and she said my dad was really sick with flu like symptoms. With all this H1N1 business going on that's kind of scary. Not to mention my dad is in pretty poor health anyway. He has extreme heart problems and is over weight. They kept calling and telling me all the activity they were doing in Hawaii and I found it hard to believe, he's so bad he can barely walk a few feet with out stopping to catch his breath. My mom seemed really upset so I'm pretty sure something else is going on. She's also really tired as it's 2am her time. So I'm a little worried about them and hope they get home okay. They are scheduled to land in Minneapolis is about an hour (I'm tracking their flight). Other than that my work day has been a blast! I went shopping and prepared bread with a student for a brunch we're hosting on Sunday. Now I'm just surfing the net and later I get to do Nia. I'm part of focus group who is trying to decide if this is something we want to offer at our church. I can't wait to go out with my girlfriend tonight but I'm a little bummed because some other friends are stopping in town on their way to Milwaukee and I might not get to see them. I hope tomorrow to have some time to myself and so the stuff I want to do before heading to church. Have good Friday everyone!

Success!

2009-09-17T15:46:00.003-05:00

Whew! This week is kicking my butt! Is it Friday yet?? I feel really proud of myself! I stuck to my plan last night. I only ate 1 piece of lasagna and lots of salad with light dressing. I passed on the garlic bread and the home made brownies. I drank lots of water. At Youth Ministry the kid who was suppose to bring a snack forgot so I ran out and got some apples and cookies. I was feeling a little hungry, had planed (even wrote it down!) to eat an apple earlier but didn't so I had one. Then I came home (still hungry) and had a peach with cool whip and a touch of chocolate sauce on top. I counted all my points and felt really good about what I ate. My reward...168.8 on the scale this morning! (yes I do scale hop usually once a day in morning). Challenge 1 done! Winner Kristin! Okay so I'm just a little too excited about this! In a bit I'm headed to the soup kitchen to share a meal with the folks there. I'm sticking to my same plan!
I was kind of feel crabby and yucky about work this morning but I don't really want to rehash it as I'm feeling better now! I'm super excited to go out with my friend tomorrow. We decided to go to this place and eat in the tavern. It's pretty much the most expensive place in town but the tavern is pretty reasonable. I can't wait! Saturday I get to sleep in! I was thinking about setting an alarm and signing up for a class at the Y but then I thought, no! I'm just going to wake up when I go and see what time it is and then decide what my work out is. Today I went to group strength and I'm already feeling the ab work we did. Tomorrow I have a 40minute run planned.
The other day when I went shopping I bought these and these from Old Navy. They were even cheaper in the store and I LOVE them! Go check them out if you get a chance! Once I get into that good healthy phase I stay there...I hope!

Chipping away

2009-09-16T16:06:00.002-05:00

Well, I weighed in this morning only down 0.4lbs. At least I'm down. I thought perhaps that part of the reason I wasn't down more last week was AF bloat, guess not. I think alcohol plays a huge role in weight loss. Even though I can fit wine and beer into my eating plan I think it messes with the metabolism. I just find it easier to lose weight doing the 2WW when I'm not drinking. This week is poses with food challenges. I'm going to lay out right here and now of accountability.
Today (Wednesday) Student Supper:
I have already eaten pretty healthy for today. I work 12 hours on Wed. so the only exercise I got this morning was a 30 minute walk and 50 minutes of yoga at lunch. This is some what good because I'm not starving. So here is my plan: LOOK FOR and STICK WITH CLEAN FOODS. I know enough about clean eating to know what is good for me. If there is bread I'm just going to have to stay away. Usually someone brings delicious desserts. I know that for tonight I'm just going to have to stay away. Those are "red light" foods for me that trigger more over eating. I just can't fit them in today. I'm going to fill up on veggies and fruit (if there is any) and take a small portion of the main course.

Thursday: Dinner at soup kitchen, meeting up with friends for drinks (?) and more food
My plan for eating dinner at the kitchen is the same as before. It's just a meal, not a special occasion I just need to nourish my body, not celebrate with food. The second part is a little tricky. Our friend is serving Alaskan Halibut...very hard to get unless you go toe Alaska. I thought he was deep frying it in which case I would not eat it but I think my hubby is going to prepare it the way he always does. I think I'll have one drink (probably light beer) and a taste of fish. I know the mom of the house will have dessert....again I think I'll have to say no. Social situations are the hardest for me! I feel like I have to drink or the family will think I'm pregnant (sigh).

Friday: meeting a girl friend for drinks and dinner. This is MY FUN NIGHT! I'm going to use most of my calories for this night. I just want to enjoy. Not to mention I'll go on a long run in the morning

Sat.: Wedding reception. Fortunately we are just going to the dance so I can eat healthy at home and only have one drink at the party.

That about sums it up. I just have to remind myself that these are meals to nourish my body. How do I want to take care of myself? I just wish it didn't taste so darn good!

Day Off!

2009-09-14T20:31:00.002-05:00

Well, after a crazy busy weekend I had my first day off in two weeks! And what did I do? I deep cleaned my house! The house hasn't been properly clean in a long time and had not been seriously cleaned in FOREVER! I moved furniture, got out the pledge (instead of just the swifter) and got down on my hands an knees to scrub the base of the toilet! I also did a TON of laundry! Phew! Don't worry I had some fun too! I headed to the mall this afternoon and got some cute yoga clothes on clearance at Old Navy. I also got some cute tops at J.C. Penny's and some clothes for Brian too. Almost everything was on clearance and nothing cost more then $10. Except for the $30 coffee pot that was originally $50. I also enjoyed a pumpkin spice latte from Starbucks. Everyone has been raving about them in the blog sphere. I got mine iced since it was 80 degrees here today. That was a huge mistake! I think you get hosed on the amount of coffee you get because of the ice. I had mine gone in a couple of sips! I hope it cools down and I can get a hot one soon....they are a little pricey but I deserved a treat! Don't worry I got decaf. I haven't had any (or very small amounts) of caffeine for almost a month! Can't say the same about alcohol. Once AF showed up all bets were off! I've been enjoying the wine we bought from Door County quiet regularly! This week should be a little less busy then last. I hope to spend time with a good friend Friday night. I sent an email to all my girlfriends last week about our TTC journey. I asked them to please not ask us any more...it's just gotten too hard (annoying!) One of my friends responded that she would love to get together and talk about anything...not necessarily babies. She lost two babies in the last year. I admitted to her that I skipped the last "girls night" because I just couldn't handle hearing about babies and kids. She said she guessed that's why I wasn't there. I hope it works out that we can get together for dinner or a glass of wine. I guess that's all for now!

Many things to ramble

2009-09-11T14:13:00.002-05:00

I went on a nice long run today, same route as I pictured but this time it was not foggy! Actually it was warmer than it has been. In August I was wearing cropped pants and a wind breaker today shorts and a T-Shirt!
So the day started out good but then I got to work and became crabby! I have the very best intentions of being the best employee I can be, by working on my communications skills even though my "boss" is about as communicative as a door knob. Last week "the priest" (the head boss) told me I should talk to my other boss at least twice a week to check in with him and ask him if there is anything I need to do to prepare for the students coming back. I obliged even though this is some what challenging as I do not feel comfortable around him. I went to chat with him and reminded him that I would not be available Friday night (tonight) to help prepare care packages as I had grad school. I asked if he needed help setting up for the care package preparation. He said that would be fine. Then I confirmed that this needed to be done by Friday Night. I put this in my "to do" list. I had a TON of other stuff to accomplish. I worked yesterday like a dog to finish all of these other "to do" things so I could take this morning to prepare the care package items. I got here bright an early in my "work clothes" (shorts and tennies) when down to out basement and the set up was all complete! He had done all of it already! Why? I don't know! I did go to talk to him and he just said he took care of it when he had time. See here lies the problem he had NOTHING to do because I DO IT ALL!!! When I went to talk to him he was playing solitaire!
Thanks for listening to me rant!

One note of remembrance for today. Many people recall this day as the day the Twin Towers were attacked 8 years ago. I remember 13 years ago being a junior in high school and hearing my name being called over the loud speaker to come to the office after school. This was unusual for me as I was the model (PERFECT) student. I walked into the conference room where my computer teacher was. All she said was, "Kristin, she's gone." My best friend who had suffered with cancer since we were in 8th grade was finally at peace. I remember feeling like the room was spinning as the news sunk in and my teacher wrapped her arms around me as a cried. I still miss her even today and wonder if we would have stayed friends. I like to think we would have.

Of course on September 11th 2002 I remember I was in college in my Ed. Media class. The classroom where we met was also the office were teachers would check out televisions and other audio visual equipment. The woman in charge of checking this stuff out had a tv on her desk and was always watching something. I caught her once with the QVC website on her computer and the show on her tv. I remember being in class and this woman (not the teacher) turned her tv up and I thought that it was rather rude. Once the class ended they made the announcement. I looked at my cell phone (it was my first cell phone!) and saw my dad had called from home about 10 times with the news. I also remember that when I went to work that day (I worked taking orders for a catalogue) that the phones were dead. Later that week I was helping someone with and order from New Jersey and she said, "I have to go! My friend's son was in one of the towers and they think they might have found him at last!"

Crazy! Hope you're having a good day. I'm hoping mine will get better when I go to my first grad school class of the semester tonight from 5:30-10!

CD # ??

2009-09-09T11:41:00.002-05:00

So the house guest from hell is here. No seriously I'm not really that ticked. I weighted in this morning and was down 0.2lbs which is better than nothing. I'm going to stick with it so I can see a bigger loss next week! I did send an email to all my friends telling them about our IF. Many of then don't have kids, have never tried to have kids, and some I don't think every will. I asked them to please stop asking us if we're pregnant or when we don't answer our phone say on voicemail..."You must be trying to make a baby!" SO ANNOYING (actually only one friend did this)! I did have lovely lunch with a friend yesterday. She told me another one of our friends is planning on losing 10lbs and then trying for baby #3!! So I'm not charting any more. I'm debating if I want to continue to ready TTC and baby blogs. I just kind of don't want to think about it any more....it might be a hard addiction to give up though. We'll see. If nature doesn't take it's course by January then we will see a doctor. So I guess I have 3 1/2 months to get down to a healthy weight...I don't want them to say, "You're not pregnant cuz your fat!" That would be awful! Today's a busy day with Youth Ministry and all...I'm about to head to Yoga for my lunch break. I guess for the next couple months this blog will be more of a healthy lifestyle blog with some faith too! Hope you keep reading!!

Whew! I can breathe again!

2009-09-08T13:46:00.004-05:00

Wow! It was a very busy weekend. The university students moved in on Sat. and I had tons of programs and such that I planned and needed to be at. When all is said an done I worked about 18 hours Sat.-Mon., made 10 gallons of kool-aide (all gone) and ordered 20 pizzas plus made 6 frozen ones (also all gone) and met lots of new students. I'm glad it's over. We have one more intense weekend (next weekend) and then we can settle into the routine of the year...hopfully. So I didn't have a "weekend" which kind of stinks but then I remembered that I was going to lunch with a good friend today. I just got back from that. She works at my alma mater a place that I hope some day I can work too. Right now though, it doesn't sound like a very stable place to work. She had a lot of woes to share. It made me feel better because I always pictured that place as an ideal place to work and now I can see that just like my work it has its challenges too.
In TTC news my temp was lower than I expected yesterday since I woke up an hour and half later than normal and today it was below the coverline. I have felt crampy all day so I think AF is announcing her arrival. I am kind of bummed of course about now being pregnant...again, and because even though I had a really good week of eating and exercise I'll probably show that lovely AF bloat weight gain when I weigh in tomorrow...bummer! If I stay on track though maybe I'll show a nice big loss the following week. I guess this gives me four more weeks of working on weight loss. That is always tough once school starts. Every week I go to a soup kitchen where we are asked to share a meal with the guests, then about every other week we have a meal for our students, not to mention all the other opportunities to eat! It is my goal this year to conquer these challenges head on...I don't have a plan for..yet. I do have a plan for TTC. We are not going to try for awhile. No more charting or temping or obsessing. I'm going to continue not to drink coffee and cut WAY back on drinking even before the TWW. More fruits veggies and exercising and no more BD!!!! Just plain old fashion good time sex! Hope it works!

Sad morning happy afternoon and evening!

2009-09-04T19:43:00.002-05:00

This morning I got up before the sun and went for a run. I had to do this early because I needed to get to a funeral by 8:30am. The priest at my Alma mater died. The actual funeral didn't start until 10am but the doors were opening at 9am and I wanted to make sure to get a seat. Almost two years ago a beloved professor died and the minute the doors to the church were open it was packed and the students weren't even in class at the time! As I sat in the chapel that was so familiar to me and held such memories of who I was in college and how my faith and my life was shaped there I though about all the wonderful people God has called home that have affected my life. The professor, this priest, and others. One of my other former professors (I guess current as he'll be teaching my grad class next week) Said to me, "This is the end of an era. There aren't many progressive people life Father Tom left." I thought about my current boss (the priest) and about how he told us he would be leaving our parish within the next few years. Even though he drives me crazy I still like him. He's a good man, a "progressive" if you will. What will happen when he leaves? If you don't know much about the Catholic Church there seems to be a division between (for lack of better words) liberals and conservatives or progressive and traditionalists. I happen to be on the progressive side. Am I to carry this torch? To be a light to other progressive Catholics? But what if that's not what the people want? There are less an less of these progressive people out there. I would never want to give up my faith but I can't go back to the old days. Nor do I think we should! The funeral was beautiful.
Another sad thing happened. I was chatting with a guy who works at the soup kitchen I volunteer at during the school year. You may recall me mentioning to young pregnant girls I befriended there, even though at times it caused me a bit of pain and sorrow. I asked about the girls and their babies. The one girl's baby is two and half months the other's was stillborn! How awful! Of the two she was the one who was the most excited about having a baby. She would share her stories from the doctor and her ultrasound pictures. She couldn't wait to bring him to see me so I could hold him (she knows how much I love babies). It really broke my heart. And I wasn't there to comfort her. More importantly I have made a connection with this poor soul. I look forward to going back there and hearing the whole story.
My day ended happily with several visits from students, a surprise gift from a parishioner, and now an evening at home alone! I have a busy weekend filled with WORK! I hope to post when all the dust settles!

A beautiful (foggy) morning run!

2009-09-03T19:51:00.010-05:00

Here are the pictures I promised from my run last week. This is one of my favorite routes that takes me from my home, through our downtown, along the river, through the woods, and much more! It's roughly 5miles! Hope you enjoy!

The view from my back door as I head out for my warm up!

Me! Almost done with my 5 minute warm up!

Lucky me! I get to run right by my work!

Heading into downtown. You can just barely make out the Cathedral

A view of the historic downtown

The Might Mississippi looking south

The La Crosse River. Is it getting sunny out??

Wooded portion of the trail

Foggy marsh trail

Me! Still smiling after 5 miles!

Me! Post run and shower enjoying a green smoothie!

And I'm going to do it all again tomorrow!!

Fly By!

2009-09-02T11:03:00.002-05:00

Hi there! Just wanted to post that I lost 1.2lbs this week! Yay! My camping choices weren't as good as I planned but I did get right back on track after we got back! I'm definitely motivated now! I am also in the dreaded 2WW but I'm so busy with work right now I think it will go fast! This could have helped with the weight loss as I swore off alcohol since ovulation and also have totally cut the caffeine addiction! I promise to post those running pics soon...just so busy and the free time I do have in the evening I want to spend with the hubby!

One Last Fling!

2009-08-28T11:29:00.002-05:00

I took some great photos this morning while I was out for a run but I just don't have time to post them. The hubby and I are headed to Door County to camp for one last weekend fling before my job gets crazy on the weekends and he get obsessed with hunting. We've had a great summer and I actually felt like I (we) accomplished a lot and did a lot of the things we wanted to do. We traveled and saw people we love to spend time with. Couldn't have done that with an infant in tow! I'm actually NOT dreading the start of school, I'm prepared mentally and physically.
In TTC news got a positive OPK yesterday and the day before. Having fertile CM since Sunday (not today yet) but no temp rise! Everyone makes charting sound so easy but my signs just don't line up! We BDed last night and Tuesday, and hopefully it will rain and we'll be "trapped" in our tent this weekend ;). If we don't get pregnant this cycle it will be nice to take a break from charting.
I'm working on getting healthier. I have an eating plan for this weekend. Even though we won't have the healthiest options camping when we go out to eat I'm determined to make smart choices and not over stuff myself. I'm almost completely off my coffee addiction in the morning and will continue to keep up my exercise.
I'll make sure to do the running post soon! Have a great weekend!

The good news and the bad news

2009-08-26T09:27:00.002-05:00

Well, the good news is last week when I weighed in at Weight Watchers I WASN'T 173.8 I was 173. The bad news (I guess it's really not that bad) I only lost 0.6lbs this week. But I'll take it for now! I feel focused and ready to make healthy choices, even while camping this weekend. I just know that I feel better when I eat better!

Yummy, healthy, dinner!

2009-08-25T13:46:00.009-05:00

I meant to post this last night but it was late, my computer froze up and so I decided to go to bed. I ended up tossing and turning until almost 1am! How annoying! Here is a great recipe I found in Real Simple this month.

Quinoa with mushroom, kale, and sweet potatoes

1 cup quinoa
2 C Water (I used chicken broth)
2 Tbsp olive oil
2 small sweet potatoes, peeled and cut in 3/4 inch pieces (not sure why mine are yellow and not orange)
10oz button mushrooms quartered
2 cloves of garlic
1 bunch of kale, stems discarded and leaves town into 2 inch pieces
3/4 cup dry white wine (I used Marsala because it's what we had)
Salt and pepper to taste
1/4 C grated Parmesan (optional)

1. Place quinoa in 2 cups of water in a small sauce pan and bring to a boil. Reduce heat and simmer, covered, until all the water is absorbed, 12 to 15 minutes.

2. Meanwhile, heat oil in a large pot over medium heat. Add sweet potatoes and mushrooms and cook tossing occasionally, until golden and beginning to soften, 5 to 6 minutes.

3. Stir in garlic and cook for 1 minutes. Add the kale, wine, salt and pepper. Cook tossing often, until the vegetables are tender, 10 to 12 minutes. Serve over quinoa and sprinkle with the Parmesan.

The result:YUMMY! I never thought to cook sweet potatoes this way and the combination with the mushrooms was excellent! The kale had kind of a chewy texture when cooked but otherwise tasted good. The Marsala wine really complemented the other flavors.

In TTC news I've been seeing a lot of fertile CM but still no positive on the OPK. Yesterday I saw a faint line which I assumed would turn into a dark line today but nope! Very odd and a little early for me to O. DH wasn't up to BD last night so hopefully we can start the marathon tonight.

Check out Heather's Give Away over at Heather Bakes!

Catcha later!

Breakfast of Champions....

2009-08-24T10:07:00.003-05:00

or a gal trying to lose weight, go natural, and get pregnant!

This is what I ate this morning. A green smoothie: plain yogurt, skim milk, romaine lettuce, lemon juice, olive oil, frozen banana, blueberries (it looks brown because of the blueberries!). A piece of whole wheat toast with a smidge of almond butter and raw honey. A half and half mix of coffee and teeccino. If you haven't tried teeccino I highly recommend it. It's a natural herbal alternative to coffee. I'm trying to get myself off coffee! Stay tuned! I hope to post late about the recipe I made last night it was so good!

Disgusted with myself!

2009-08-23T18:05:00.006-05:00

Okay, so I've pretty much struggled with my weight since I was 8 years old. I am super active. I did a triathlon earlier this summer, I teach fitness classes, I think nothing of going to a Zumba dance party for 2 hours and then running 5 miles the next day. Yet.. I've gained 10lbs over the summer. WTF!!! I just saw some pics taken of me at my first Packer game ever. I had bought a t-shirt in a large didn't try it on until we were about to leave for the game. Before we left I thought I looked pretty good. I was wearing jeans I bought this spring and the shirt. I'll admit I did think the jeans felt a little tight as did the shirt but I thought I looked good. Then I saw some pics and I was like...yikes! You can see my fat rolls! How did I get like this? Seriously I do exercise but LOVE to eat!! I make good choices most of the time but then on the weekends I binge a little. I also do the whole....well I know for sure I'm not pregnant for these two weeks so I'll drink wine every night and beer every weekend (and I like me some REAL beer, not light!). Then for the other two weeks of the month I think...Oh I'm so hungry I must be pregnant I can eat a little more of this or that. Seriously! How messed up is this! I have been going to Weight Watchers for ever and still go and pay even though I don't lose. I was at (or below) my goal for about a year which is about 25lbs less then I am now...wow 25 that sounds like a lot when I think about it. I don't know if I'd like to get that low again I just need to get with this...and start making healthy choices. I've been looking into "raw" eating and vegan eating. I would never go that way but I'm thinking about swearing off meat unless I know it was killed by my husband...and maybe chicken too. That being said I'm just going to look at this in 5lb increments. Last Wednesday at Weight Watchers I weighed in at:

173.8 lbs so my first goal will be 168.8...that doesn't seem so bad. My ultimate goal would be 155lbs...18.8lbs to that one...I think I'll stick with the 5lb increments!

I will report back on Wed. I'm now going to make myself some Kale, quinoa, sweet potato dinner!

Notice the two beers..nice! What was I thinking?!

This is me in 2004 maybe not at my lowest but definitely at a healthy weight I'm guessing 150-155lbs

So many blogs..so little time

2009-08-21T12:46:00.003-05:00

So, I've been getting a little blog obsessed these days. I started this blog over a year a go to write about my challenges working in ministry. At that time we were just starting to try and conceive our first child. Little did I know that over a year later we would still be trying! Some how during that time I stumbled across a few IF blogs. I think I just searched IF blogs one day and WHAM! I hit a ton of them! I don't even have half of the ones I read on my blog roll! These blogs give me comfort and even though many of them have turned into pregnancy blogs or even new baby blogs I still enjoy reading them. A few weeks ago I did a google search for "raw granola bars" I have no idea why I chose "raw" I don't eat "raw" I don't think I ever will but for some reason that's what I searched. The first hit I got was Angela's blog Oh She Glows. Let's just say I LOVE this blog and have become a little obsessed! She writes three times a day and is a really good writer. There's no way I could become vegan like her but a lot of her recipes are awesome and easy. She's also into green smoothies, which she calls "Green Monsters" which I started drinking even before I found her blog. She always has great pictures and other great tips. She also is on Twitter. Now, I haven't gotten into twitter much but the priest I work for says he is going to start Tweeting in order to reach more of our college students. This is amazing to me since the man doesn't even own a cell phone and just got voicemail at the office last spring! So I decided to start tweeting and even though no one is following me I started following a lot of people..like Angela. She tweets a lot and because of that I've discovered other healthy eating blogs like Jenna a Eat Live Run It just keeps going an going! Not to mention I'm already hooked on Facebook but mainly to keep up with my RL friends and relatives who live far a way. It is very distracting at work too! These two blogs (as well as others) have inspired me to to do more with this blog. I believe these women make money with their blogs because they are read by so many people and they are good. I really think I could do this too! I have always loved writing and even took a few writing classes. Unfortunately I do not have good grammar and make frequent spelling errors even with spell check. I also don't have a lot of time. I just looked at my work schedule for next month and it looks like for the first two weeks in September I'll be putting in 45-48hours a week, that includes the weekends, and lots of nights! I don't feel right updating all the time from work (even though I do) and can't see how I could upload more photos and spend more time on the blog without my coworker noticing. Just some ideas I've been musing with. Who would have thought that blogs would take on such a huge roll in our society. Many of the conversations I have with my husband start with, "Today I read on this blog..." He doesn't get it! He's not a computer guy! Stay tuned we'll see what I decide!

Check this out!

2009-08-19T11:51:00.003-05:00

I've been thinking about changing this blog up with a few healthy living posts. I've been reading a lot of food blogs lately. Check out the contest at Heather Bakes!

Happy Anniversary AND 100th post!

2009-08-19T11:34:00.002-05:00

Wow! Two milestones! I can't believe I have been married for 3 years. My husband and I have actually been together 8 years. We've gone through a lot together, good and bad. I can't imagine my life without him. He challenges me to stand up for myself and to be more confident. He shares my love of organization and order. He follows through with a task and works hard to achieve his goals. Best of all he loves me for who I am. He loves all the good things about me and even the bad. Our relationship has changed for the better since trying to have a child. I know that together we can handle what ever God has in store for us. It was my hope that on this special day I could give him a gift of and BFP and share it with you on my 100th post but that is not meant to be. And so we journey onward seeing what God has in store for us in the years to come.

Avoidance

2009-08-18T11:13:00.002-05:00

Lat night we got back from a four day trip to see my sister-in-law, her husband, and my two nephews, one who was born just 2 1/2 months ago. It was a great trip. Of course on the way there AF showed up. I was really okay with it, I was too busy playing with my nephews to notice. I haven't been around a baby for a long period of time and boy! Do they look like a lot of work! Not that I'm not ready for that, it just put things in perspective. Tonight I was invited for "girls night" with some friends. Even though I love these gals and haven't seen most of them for a long time I lied and told them I was busy. I did this for a few reasons. For one we got back late last night, I'm behind on cleaning, laundry, and groceries and I just want a night at home. For another reason we ate like crap for four days and I just didn't want another meal out. Plus our anniversary is tomorrow and we are going out for that. Finally I didn't want to go because before AF even came I decided if it turned out I wasn't pregnant I just couldn't sit through a whole night of them talking about their kids. This is what happened last time and I was really bored. I also thought if AF wasn't there it would be hard to explain why I wasn't drinking. I feel kind of bad about this but not really because I know myself and I know what I need when I need it. So yeah, back to life...it's getting busy at work!

CD 28 and only one person can make me feel like this! Updated

2009-08-11T12:32:00.004-05:00

Well, I just realized today that I am on CD28. According to my fertility software I am only 10DPO, I would say more like 11 or 12. So, I guess I should be expecting AF tomorrow or Thursday (software says Friday). Funny thing is I have no symptoms and my temp hasn't dropped yet. So phantom pregnancy symptoms or PMS. Weird. I don't even have bad acne which seems to pop up before AF. My average cycle length is 28 days and my average LP is 12 so we shall see.
So, I have a little work issue I'm dealing with here. First let me explain. I have three bosses. The priest which is like the CEO and then one boss for Youth Ministry (The DRE) and one for Campus Ministry (Campus Minister, I'm considered the associate campus minister). The CM and I have always had a very strained relationship and it is not good. It makes going to work and doing my job quiet awful at times. I've come to accept that he is just a unique individual and I can't change him, I shouldn't take what he says or does personally and I can only change how I react to him. Seeing and email in my box (always with the no subject in the subject line) immediately makes my stomach turns and makes me to think, "What now?". Here is the one I got today:
After the first couple weeks of the semester, when formal student registration ends, i am planning to not be around on Saturdays, taking a day off. Would you please plan to cover the Saturday Mass, welcoming students and making announcements. Thank you.

Does it seem to anyone else that he is just assuming that I will be doing this? Also let me explain that from September to December and then January from May I work an average of 4 nights a week (one of these is always Sunday night Mass) in addition to being in the office 7hours a day 4 days a week. Sometimes I work 5-6 nights a week depending on the week. I am also expected to be here Sunday morning. I ask, would this be in addition to all of this??? As of right now Saturday is the only day of the week my husband and I have off together and sometimes I don't even have that off!

Fortunately for me "the priest" discussed this with me in our meeting last week so I was prepared for it. However when I got this email I immediately began shaking and my mind began racing, I couldn't focus on reading my other emails. Why??? I don't know! (perhaps this irrational reaction is PMS rearing its ugly head?). Still, this is what my life has been like for three years. After I calmed down a bit I spoke with the priest and asked if this is something we should discuss as a group or something I need to approach my other boss about individually. He was like, "whatever." Then I asked if I was trading Sunday Mass for Saturday Mass and he said he wasn't sure but he thought so. Part of me wants to go over and talk to my other boss so I can stop thinking about it. But another part of me is afraid there will be confrontation and I do not like confrontation. I even went so far as walking over near his office but I chickened out. I NEED to get over this! Part of my own personal problem is that I don't communicate how I am feeling to him. He is just such a challenge to deal with!! Honestly I'm not sure why he needs a day off but that is a whole other story.

So that's me right now after having a nice weekend, a great day off and a short week (leaving Thursday night for Detroit) I'm unnecessarily crabby (PMS?) and maybe by the end of the week I'll find out I'm not pregnant again...oh well didn't have much hope this time anyway.

***Update***
So, I went home for lunch and instead of watching mindless television like a normally do (shhhh don't tell anyone!) I decided to read the daily scripture. The first reading from Deuteronomy had a message for me: "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Okay God I get it! So I screwed up my courage and went in to talk to my boss as soon as I got back from lunch. It went well. Of course I made it up to be so much more horrible in my mind then it was. I don't think anything really got solved but at least the cards are on the table.

Perspective on TTC after one year

2009-08-07T15:19:00.002-05:00

Almost a year ago (August 12th 2008) I started my first cycle where we were actually going to try and conceive. I guess that's why even though I'm on cycle 13 I still only consider us trying for one year. In my naive mind I thought it would "work" on the first or maybe second try. If that would have been the case we would have an infant right now. Sometimes it's hard to think about that especially when I see people with infants. Many of the ladies I started following on www.babyfit.com in the trying to conceive first child board are posting pics and stories of their new little ones. Surprisingly thought I am not feeling down about this. I am happy with "our plan" in the world of TTC and know that what ever does happen will be in God's plan. We have had a WONDERFUL summer. I did a triathlon, I took kids on a mission trip, I started grad school, we've done little mini trips all over the Midwest, we've partied like rock stars, and there is even more fun to come all which would have been very hard or not happened at all if we had a baby. I'm looking ahead to this school year with an open mind. I am trying not to think about, "but what if I'm pregnant?" during this event or that event. Because of this journey I've found out so much about trying to conceive and "met" so many wonderful people and shared their stories through their blogs. I've learned more about natural eating and have tried many new food ideas because of it. When I started this blog it was to talk about my challenges working in ministry. Rarely do I post about such things now. I'm not sure if I will change blogs or start a new one or just keep rambling from my soul! Thanks to all of you who actually do read this. I am inspired and entertained by your stories and hope mine can do that same. Have a great weekend everyone! I'm out of here!

I'm calling this cycle a wash!

2009-08-04T20:49:00.003-05:00

Don't worry I haven't lost total hope, not until AF arrives will I ever lose total hope. I just think there are too many factors that lead me to believe there is no way we conceived this cycle. We BDed on CD 12 and 14. I got a positive OPK on Thursday (CD 16). We BDed that night. On Friday I didn't have time to take an OPK at my normal time because we had to leave for our friend's party (about 2 hours away) so I didn't take one at all. On Friday I also drank WAY too much as I mentioned in the previous post. Based on OPK my fertility software said I O'd on Friday. I don't know what the affects of alcohol are during ovulation but they can't be good. I didn't temp. Sat. morning because I had no idea what time I woke up (pretty sure it wasn't my normal 5:30am) and I was certain the alcohol from the night before would affect my temp anyway. We had "planned" on trying to BD Sat. night when we got home but we were both too tired/hungover. I continued to temp and chart my other signs and today my fertility software said I O'd on Sat. Great! We didn't BD even close to that day! Based on other fertility signs I would say I O'd late Thursday or early Friday but like I said I drank way too much. Let's just say I won't be surprised if AF comes some time late next week.
I told DH that I thought we should chart one more cycle since I'll O in August and if we still haven't conceived to take a break from charting during the fall/hunting. Last year he was totally stressed out during his favorite time of the year because I kept demanding he come home and we BD! Plus my work really amps up during that time. I'm also getting really sick of charting. Based on what I've seen I am sure I ovulate regularly between CD 14 and 16. I think I'll chart again in December and then make an annual appointment with an OB versus my family doctor in January. That is if we haven't conceived by then. That will be 17 cycles of trying...wow! I don't know how I feel about fertility treatments yet but I guess I don't have to think about that for awhile. As my boss says, "Don't get caught up in the details yet!"
So that's it me for now. I simply can not read or write blogs at work any more. The woman I share an office with is in there ALL THE TIME (she has a two month break in the summer)! She even eats her lunch in front of her computer...annoying. I mean, take a break already!

Divorce amd too much partying

2009-08-01T18:22:00.002-05:00

So, we just got back from this party that was out of town. This buddy of DH got divorced less than a year ago and was having a house warming party. He and his ex wife are still amicable. I barely knew them as a couple but I like both of them a lot. His ex wife wasn't at the party and it was CRAZY! I drank way to much.... I mean I passed out at 3am and still feel terrible today. I haven't done that it a long time. If we aren't pregnant this month I will totally blame myself since I am about 1-2DPO. Anyway the buddy if super sweet and huge flirt. I kept my eyes open for the one gal who was single and I found her. He introduced us and she is really nice. By the end of the night they were making out and yes in need she as there this morning before we all left. Not really sure what the whole situation it there but it's just so hard seeing him with someone else. Even DH said it just didn't seem right that the ex and his daughters weren't there. So not only am I hung over but I feel so sad about this divorce. They are the only people our age who I know that are divorced. Sigh! How bad is it that I got that drunk? I'm not even sure how it happened. I feel bad.

Still here!

2009-07-29T20:27:00.002-05:00

Wow! I wasn't going to post but then I realized I hadn't done so in a week! Things at work are really picking meaning I actually have important things to do! Also my office partner returned from her 2 months off so I can't be surfing the web, reading blogs, or on facebook all the live long day! I'm glad though, the days seemed really long with nothing pressing to do! I'm waiting to O. The signs are there and the TCOYF software estimated tomorrow to be O day but I still got a negative OPK. We'll BD tomorrow and then we're headed out of town Friday night so hopefully we can BD again Sat. and that should be good. We (me) decided that even though we've been trying for a year we are going to wait to see a doctor. My annual exam is in January. If it hasn't happened by then I'll go to an OB rather than the family practitioner I've been seeing most of my life. I really don't want to get into the drugs etc. just yet. Other than that life is good, still a few more weeks before things get REALLY CRAZY at work. I hope that this is lucky cycle number 13!

Honest Scrap Award!

2009-07-22T14:38:00.004-05:00

Hello! Jessica gave me this award while I was on the mission trip I'm just getting to it now!

Here are the Honest Scrap stipulations:
1. Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find interesting and engaging
2. Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog and leave a comment informing them that they have won the "Honest Scrap Award"
3. List at least 10 honest things about yourself

10 Honest Things About Me:
1. The only man I have ever slept with has been my husband. I will be proud to say that to my child one day

2. I am adopted. My parents were unable to have birth children. I grew up always knowing I was adopted and also knowing how much I was wanted an loved

3. I have never met my birth mother. I might some day

4. Since I was in 7th grade I knew I was called by God to work in ministry. Whenever it gets tough or I don't want to do it God reminds me that I am called by Him and I know this is where I am suppose to be

5. I have never smoked pot or done any type of drug

6. I honestly think that if someone paid me to exercise (train) I would do it. I love to exercise and I love doing triathlons but don't have the time to do the training I would like to. If someone would sponsor me and I could train all day, I think I would

7. Even though I love to exercise and do so about 5-6 times per week for at least 45 minutes I am about 15lbs over weight (according to my BMI). I love to eat too!

8. I don't consider myself to be materialistic but I really really want an iPod Touch. I don't know why, I just do.

9. If I could afford it, I'd buy all my food at the local health store but we can't. We buy
most of our produce there and some bulk items but we shop twice a month at Wal-Mart, I feel guilty about this some times

10. I do like my work but if I could be a stay at home mom I would LOVE that, I don't think we can afford it though

I'm sure most of these ladies have been nominated but oh well!

Lindsay at LFT525 She and I share a similar story. She is also trying to lose weight and doing totally AWESOME!

Stacy I just started following her!

Stephanie has TWO blogs and they are so AWESOME! I heard about her on Good Morning America and have used her cleaning techniques and cooked some her crock pot recipes. You should check her out at Totaly Together Journal and A Year of Crock Potting

Donielle at Naturally Knocked Up has an awesome story! I've also incorporated a lot her natural methods in cleaning and eating!

Misty is an amazing Triathlete who tells it like it is! Her blog makes me smile a lot

Amy also shares her story of IF

Sarah another awesome triathlete. I love reading about her training!

I'm back and with the new title of....

2009-07-21T11:05:00.002-05:00

INFERTILE! Yes, that's right. AF came along just as expected right in the middle of the mission trip. It marked the end of our 12th cycle "trying" and thus giving us the official title of infertile. Fortunately I didn't really have a lot of time to think about it. I was actually kind of glad. Two days before AF came we painted a basement with a special paint that helped to seal the foundation. The smell was really strong and I kept thinking, "If I am pregnant this is NOT good!" Our trip went really well, we did some awesome work. But, I was reminded that cute little babies grow up into teenagers! No one should have 5 in one house at the same time, I was ready for that glass of wine when I returned. I haven't been too sad about my new label except for yesterday when I volunteered at the Salvation Army and saw 3 very young, poor women who were pregnant and thought, "Why them?" DH and I haven't even talked about it. I think we'll give this cycle a try and maybe move on from there. He did mention to me that he is going to switch to non-alcoholic beer during the week (he usually has one or two beers when he comes home from work). I'm not sure if he thinks this will help or if he's trying to lose weight or what. Right now I am focusing on eating better (ate a lot of crap on the trip) and getting back into my exercise routine. We have a lot of mini trips planned for the rest of the summer so I am looking forward to that. Other than that things should start picking up a little at work as we anticipate the start of school. That's all I have for now! I need to get caught up on all your blogs!

Symptoms? (Updated)

2009-07-10T12:04:00.003-05:00

So, I don't have my "normal" phantom symptoms like I have for the past 11 cycles. But yesterday I soooooooo thirsty! I mean I just wanted to drink water like crazy. I have been battling a summer cold so that could have some thing to do with it. Then last night I could not fall asleep and did not sleep well. Was it because of the cold and being congested? I was also very warm! How annoying. I have heard that extreme thirst and congestion are signs of pregnancy. I do not think I will POAS on Sunday. I guess I'll have to wait until AF comes or if she doesn't wait until I get home from the trip. This will probably be my last post for awhile as we have company coming in and then I gone for a week... I know, the suspense will just kill you!

***Update***
Did I mention my horrible acne? It's terrible! Like these hard boils that hurt and won't pop! I haven't had these since I was in my early 20's and went on acutane! Annoying!

Freaking out a little

2009-07-08T14:51:00.002-05:00

So, as I've mentioned before next week (Sunday to be exact) I'll be leaving for the first ever youth ministry mission trip of our parish (I am the coordinator of Youth Ministry). In the beginning I really didn't want to go on this trip because I was worried about the "what if's". Like what if I'm pregnant! BUT I did think it was pretty cool that the kids actually WANTED to do this and my pastor really encouraged me to make this happen. He said it would be really good for our program. We only have five kids going which at first made me happy (not so many kids to worry about) but is now causing me a bit of worry because the five don't really get a long and it IS a lot of work just for 5. I think with a bigger group there are more chances for kids to connect with each other, more personalities. I am also not looking forward to doing manual labor. Don't get me wrong I think flood relief is very important BUT I would rather do the type of service were you interact with people or work with children. But mainly I am freaking out because, what if I AM pregnant????? I'm not stressed out right not but inevitably something is going to happen to stress me out and that is not good for a baby. How delicate are you in the first few weeks? If I am pregnant...even just barely I don't want to do anything to hurt that. I don't know why but I really think (hope) that this is it that we finally did it this cycle. I want to be one of those people who says, "Yep! We got pregnant on our 12th cycle!" I'm trying not to think about it too much but it's hard not to! I'll be 10DPO on the Sunday we leave. I can't decided if I should POAS that morning. I guess I'm saying if I am pregnant I don't want the extra worry but it sounds like even if I don't POAS I'll still be worrying. What would you do?

12 2WW

2009-07-06T11:05:00.002-05:00

Well, here I am in my 12th 2WW. Hard to believe. I had a weird cycle this time around. I think I mentioned the low pre O temps in the previous post. I got a positive OPK on Wednesday AND Thursday AND Friday! I have never had three days of positive OPK's. The funny thing was, my other fertile signs only lined up with the positives I received on Wednesday and Thursday. My temp was very low on Tuesday, went up on Wednesday and then jumped the coverline Thursday. We BDed on Tuesday and Thursday. We were super busy the rest of the weekend so when I got a positive OPK on Friday I kind of freaked out. We literally were home for an hour Friday and then off to a party until 1am...not time for BDed that day. Sat. my DH worked all day... almost 12 hours. Fortunately we were very free on Sunday so that worked in our favor. My computer programed said I O'd on Sat. based on the OPK but then it changed its mind and said I O'd on Thursday based on my fertility signs! Confused? So was I! DH being the wise guy he is theorized that I released two eggs and that's why we got the OPK's for three days. He is certain that we're having twins. Too funny! So AF is suppose to arrive smack dab in the middle of the mission trip I am taking my high school kids on next week...great. At least it won't be hard not to drink during the 2WW! I think it will be tough either way. If AF comes I'll be crabby and suffering from that on the trip, I'll also be really sad since it is our 12th cycle and DH won't be near by to comfort me. If she doesn't come then I'll be dying with anticipation to get home and take a test. This is going to suck either way... actually if the end result is a BFP it won't suck at all. Here's to hoping!

It's "O" time!

2009-07-02T11:58:00.002-05:00

Just thought that was a catchy title. Yep! According to all the signs and my OPK I am Oing today. My temps have been really weird this cycle. They were really low for me. Yesterday I got a positive OPK but this morning my temp was above the cover line but not has high as it normally is after O. Not really sure what the heck is going on. The only thing I can attribute it to is that I didn't take Evening Primrose Oil for the first two weeks of my cycle. I took it for part of it but then ran out and just didn't buy any. I definitely noticed difference in my CF. So we BDed Tuesday and will today and I guess that's it. I feel like I didn't do as much to "try" and get pregnant this cycle. Wouldn't be a kicker if it worked?
I am working on a final project for my Masters program which involves writing up a brief history of the organization you work for. I found this old yearbook type publication that our church did in 1989. It was a hoot to look through! I am impressed with how many people are still members here. The priest at the time looked AWESOME! He was only 33 (that is really young for a priest in case you didn't know). He looked like a total hippie. He had a cool 70's mustache and long hair. I asked someone if they knew if he was still a priest and they said "no." See, I think that's my problem. I'm in love with the "old Catholic Church." It's a long explanation but after Vatican II (mid 1960's) the Church changed a lot of things. Of course since it was the 60's some people took it to extremes and the Church got seemingly liberal but really it was just a reflection of the current culture. I grew up during the 80's and 90's where some of that was still left over. With in the last 20 years there has been a movement to return to more traditional Church values. It just kind of drives me crazy. Okay, enough of the Church history lesson.
DH doesn't have to work tomorrow. We are celebration my niece's 7th birthday. I can't believe she's going to be 7! Shortly after I met Brian's brother and sister-in-law they announced that they were pregnant. So I've known her since before she was born. She's my little buddy! We are also going to this annual Karaoke party at out friend's house. I remember attending this party last year and my dear husband announced to our friends that we were trying to have a kid. I honestly thought we would be bringing a little one to the party this year and maybe not even going or possibly being extremely pregnant. Ha! Funny how things don't work out. I am not planning on drinking that much at the part because a. I could be pregnant, b. someone has to drive us home, c. I am probably going to run a 5K on Sat. morning d. I DO NOT need the calories! I am a pretty healthy person but in the last 2 weeks I've gained 4lbs! Okay, so I'm sure that when I "weighed in" that wasn't an actual weight gain of 4lbs since the last time I weighed in but more a combination of water weight and an extremely bad weekend of eating with friends. Last summer I gained about 8lbs and I WILL NOT let that happen again (unless I'm pregnant of course!). Even though I exercise a lot I need to watch what I eat. I think the extreme exercising gives me permission (in my mind) to eat more (or rather eat crap) but that is just not how my body works. I had a really healthy day yesterday, and so far so good today. I actually feel better. I plan on eating at both the parties I go to tomorrow but not over eating and trying eat the healthy options if there are any. If I am pregnant I want to be in the best health possible!
Hope everyone has a good holiday weekend!

Slow Day Ramblings

2009-06-30T13:27:00.002-05:00

Well, it's another slow day here at the office. It is VERY quiet as "the priest" is on vacation. When people know he's gone they don't call or stop by as much, plus there is no noon Mass so it is very peaceful here. I've a lot time (too much) to think about this whole TTC process and the possibility of being labeled IF. It's almost time for me to O again, I'm on CD 12 and the signs are starting to show their faces. In the past DH and I started BDing early (cd 10-12) but I've kind of held him off for now. I don't know why. I guess I don't really think it makes any difference at this point. If I look back at all my charts we've tried lots of different timing around O and couple of time even BDed on O day. It's not that I've given up or don't have hope for this cycle I just don't really have any enthusiasm for it. I'm tired of all the timing and charting. If I had to do it all over again I wouldn't have started with charting. I just would have ditched the BC and waited to see what happened. Then, if nothing happened I would have started charting and timing. I guess in my mind since we didn't conceive and we were charting for a year now I think (know?) something is wrong with one or both of us. It's too hard to reverse the process and just give up the charting, I think I'll always know where I am at in my cycle now. We haven't talked about the "what if's". If we don't conceive this cycle AF is due to show her face while I am on our mission trip (perfect right?). So by the time I get back it will be a little late to see a doctor and get BW done for CD 3...right? DH talked to his friend who is an OBGYN and he said it takes 18 months to 2 years to conceive. I find this hard to believe. I mean most people say 1 year right? Also, I find it hard to believe DH actually talks about this stuff to his buddies. I know that this seems kind of like a downer post but I'm really not to sad about it...I've come to accept that this is just how it is for now and I can't do anything about it at the moment. If we don't conceive this cycle I think we'll just try again in August and maybe then look into seeing a doctor. However once fall hits DH is a hunting maniac and my work gets crazy too. Actually if we DID conceive this month it would time out perfect. We don't have anything major going on during what would be the first trimester so we wouldn't have to tell people early. Just some random thoughts on this quiet Tuesday!

Thursday Thirteen

2009-06-25T11:05:00.003-05:00

1. I've been at work for 3 hours now and have yet to do any work

2. There really isn't that much work to be done

3. Yesterday for work I promoted our organization at Freshmen Registration on the state university campus

4. Freshmen registration is an interesting study of human behavior

5. It is also an interesting study in currant fashion trends

6. My favorite part of the day was when the parents and their kids were separated. The parents were suppose to go to a talk while the kids registered for classes. A parent approached my booth which was located outside the auditorium where the parents were and said, "I didn't go to the parent presentation, am I missing anything?" my reply was "I have no idea. I didn't go to the presentation either."

7. When there are no parents or kids around I am still expected to sit at our booth. During this time I either knit or read. Yay for getting paid for leisure activities at work.

8. The only bad part was I couldn't figure out how to log on to the University's wireless network so I couldn't surf the web

9. My new office windows face a busy street and across from the street is the University. I love to watch people running, biking, walking etc. but I don't like when they look in at me in my office.

10. Today I closed my shades because it is very hot! Even though the AC is on it just feels cooler with the shades closed.

11. When they renovated our building they took the thermostat for the secretary's office out. Now she doesn't have AC in her office. I feel kind of bad

12. When I'm at work I waste my time on facebook, twitter, reading blogs, and catching up on celebrity gossip.

13. I really should get to work!

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I'm Back!

2009-06-23T15:06:00.002-05:00

Well, my four day graduate course was AWESOME! I can truly not put into words what an amazing program this is. If you known anything about Servant Leadership you'll agree with me. Imagine a group of 24 people from all walks of life trying to make the world a better place by learning how to lead as Christ did. That summary doesn't even give it justice! Most of our days were 8 hours long and the time just flew by. I can not wait for my next course in the Fall. My only regret is that I didn't start this program sooner and I wish I could have afforded to take more then one class this summer. I'm back at work now, trying so hard not to let the positive feelings I have from this class disappear as I get back to the nitty gritty of my "job." It couldn't have come at a more perfect time. I have barely given a thought to TTC, or to the fact that I am on Cycle 12. In fact I even forgot to take my temperature two days in a row! Crazy! That's all for now. I tried to get caught up on blogs but there were just so many updates. Hope everyone in the blog world is doing well!

And so...

2009-06-18T06:55:00.002-05:00

My temp dropped, AF came full force overnight (nice-not), hoping grad school will keep my mind off of the fact that I am headed into cycle 12...then what?

Trying to be hopeful even though...

2009-06-17T10:19:00.002-05:00

my temp dropped from the Triphasic level...but not below the cover line...yet. Of course when I entered in my temp on the computer this morning that hopeful "triphasic" disappeared from yesterday's entry. I WILL NOT give up hope until AF comes, which is suppose to be tomorrow. Sometimes my temp drops before she comes but not always. I have had some pretty bad cramping lately and some weird CM this morning but that's it. I don't know what to think about it. I had cramping before AF last month but never CM before AF. I also don't have any PMS or pregnancy symptoms. Usually I get really tired crabby and emotional and get a really bad headache. But I have nothing. I'm still trying to be hopeful, oh the mind games we play!
The water park was really fun yesterday even though the weather wasn't the greatest. Of course every time I went flying around a corner on a water slide I thought, "I hope if I am pregnant I'm not hurting anything!" My mom didn't wanted to go on any of the REALLY scary slides. She offered to pay for an upgrade ticket so I could go on the roller coasters (she said she didn't want to go) but I declined. The good news is if AF does come I start grad school tomorrow and will be pretty busy so hopefully that will keep my mind off things. I'll keep you posted!

Triphasic

2009-06-16T06:38:00.002-05:00

So, it's about 6:30am and I am up and ready to go. I'm headed out with 5 (possibly 6) youth from out parish for a day at a water park. Initially I wasn't going to keep temping after O because I tend to over analyze but like I've said if I had a longer LP with high temps I would test on Father's day. So I entered my temp into my TCOYF software. I had suspected a tripahsic pattern but I thought I had one last month too so I was ignoring it. After I entered all my data the program wrote Triphasic on June 16th. It tells me it detected a triphasic pattern! I am trying not to get my hopes up but it has NEVER said that before! Now, I'm just a little worried about the water park. I LOVE water slides but I don't want to seems like a stick in the mud, plus my mom is coming with us and she'll wonder why I don't want to go on the rides. How dangerous could it be? I'll be on the look out for warning signs! In the meantime I'll be keeping my fingers crossed!

Triathlon Update!

2009-06-15T10:15:00.002-05:00

Well, I totally ROCKED the triathlon yesterday! I am so very glad I decided to do this. For a long time I debated and put off signing up because I kept thinking, "What if I'm pregnant?" Last year I really wanted to do this tri because I knew in August we were going to start ttc and of course I'd get pregnant right away and I very well couldn't do a tri after just having a child or being VERY pregnant! Right? But I wasn't able to do the tri last year because I had something going that weekend. I guess I could have sought out a different tri but this one is local and very well organized. So I finally signed up and thought, "Well if I am pregnant I'll ask my doctor and if I can't do it I'm only out $75 which goes to a good cause anyway." So the tri was a 1/4 mile swim, 17 mile bike, and a 5K (3.2mile) run. Two years ago when I did this the bike really kicked my butt I did it in 1hr 7minutes. This time I felt do strong on the bike and when I got back from it to transition to the run my mom yelled, "You're ahead of schedule! Brian didn't think you'd be back for 10 minutes!" As it turned out I did the bike in 57 minutes shaving 10minutes off my previous time! My swim and run were pretty much the same as two years ago with just a few seconds shaved off. Over all I finished in 1hour 30 minutes and 49 seconds. I came in 6th in my age division (25-29) even thought I'm at the top of it. It was the best tri I've ever done and the closest I've come to placing. I felt so good about myself. Today I'm not even sore or tired! For one whole day I forgot about how my body has been failing me in conceiving a child and how awesome it is as an athlete. This is really quiet amazing as I spent most of my young live as an overweight in active person. It has only been in the last 9years that I've taken on this new identity as athlete...it feels so good!
But, I AM ready to take on the identity of "mom." There were a lot of women yesterday with little ones kissing them for good luck. It was super sweet! Of course the thought did cross my mind that if I am pregnant I could have harmed my baby or even unintentionally miscarried it without even knowing. I tried not to think about that. I am 10DPO and my temp is still up. I didn't test and I won't until AF is late...possibly on father's day. That's all I have for now! Hope every one's weekend went well!

Thanks! and TTC news!

2009-06-12T12:32:00.002-05:00

Hey Ladies! I just wanted to say thanks for the comments on my last post. I am geared up for the Triathlon and for trying to be more social! It's probably been good that his is my "taper" week for triathlon training, meaning I cut back on my daily workouts in order to be in tip top form on Sunday. I've been laying low, walking, doing yoga. If there is a little one trying to make a home in me it's had a nice calm week!
In TTC news my temp took a big jump UP this morning on 7DPO. I'm trying not to get my hopes up. I wasn't even going to temp after O this cycle for fear of over analyzing my chart but I did because IF I have 16 days of high temps (longer then my average) it will fall on Father's Day and I'll test for sure! Wouldn't that be an awesome gift to my husband and a cool way to tell the grandpa's to be? I hate that I do this to myself. I've done it with almost every cycle. If I am pregnant then we can announce it on...Christmas, or my dad's birthday, mother's day, memorial day! AH! I must stop! No other symptoms except for that I am really hungry even though I haven't been working out as much. That's all! Hope everyone has a good weekend!

I need friends

2009-06-11T20:08:00.002-05:00

So, after a lot of thought I decided what my problem... I need more cool friends in my immediate circle. Don't get me wrong I have AWESOME friends BUT many of them live out of town. The ones I do have that live town seem to be very busy (as am I) AND they all have kids soooooo you know what the conversation usually revolves around. For a long time I thought that I really missed teaching. When I got together with my friends to bike the other day I realized something. I do miss teaching but what I really miss is working with people that I get along with at work and outside of work. The folks I went biking with were colleagues of mine about 3 years ago. They are all in their 50's (much like my currant coworkers) but they are so much more social and treat me with respect. I remember the first day I met Dan (he's the guidance counselor). He came into my classroom to meet me. He asked me if I biked and I said yes. "Oh good!" he said. "Meet we'll meet up with Jackie (the PhyEd teacher) at one and ride. And we did. We also went across the street to the Mexican place for beer and food after work. It wasn't like we did a ton of stuff together or had a really deep meaningful friendship but we were social. Right now I work, a lot. When I come home I don't want to be social, I want to be with my husband. I am going to try and make more of an effort to be more social. I know that it is not possible with my coworkers. Our older neighbors are moving and a younger couple (without kids) is moving in. I am really going to try and meet them and get to know them.
In TTC news I'm about half way through the 2ww. No thoughts or "symptoms" to give me a clue. I'm a little worried because on Sunday I am doing a Triathlon. I have trained and feel I can do it but if I am pg will that hurt the baby? Will it cause me to lose a baby I don't even know is there? I'll only be 9dpo so its not like I can test... What do you think? The Triathlon is a sprint distance. I'll swim 1/4 of a mile, bike 17, and run 3. Should take me about an hour and 50 minutes. This is just something I really wanted to do before I got pregnant. I couldn't do it last year because of schedule conflicts and since I didn't have a baby yet I figured I'd give it shot.

Feeling down this morning

2009-06-09T08:10:00.002-05:00

It's not even 8:30am and I'm feeling so crabby! I shouldn't be. I'm taking off of work today to meet some friends I haven't seen in like three years to go for an awesome bike ride and then a cook out. One of my girl friends called me this morning to talk about plans for us coming to visit her. She was gushing about her new job with better pay, benefits, 25 days of vacation right of the bat, and good retirement plan retirement. I think that is what started me down this gloomy path. My job kind of stinks. I have none of those things and some days I really don't like my "job" (notice I did not say ministry here). I have this boss who I just don't understand. He asked me to take over leadership for our volunteer group that serves meals at the Salvation Army every Monday. It's just for the summer. Honestly I don't mind doing it even though it is on my day off and I had to work on Memorial day. I understand that he needs a break. But last night he showed up to eat at the Salvation Army because of some the guests missed him. What the hell? I am a married woman who's husband works a 7-3:30 job. It would be nice to spend time with him after work but no, he got home last night and I was off to the SA. My boss who is single and as far as I can tell does not have a life outside of our church claims he NEEDS me to take over for him yet shows up anyway? What is going on? Another example is we have an info table at the Freshmen Registration where we sit all day and promote ourselves. Again, I don't really mind doing it I like talking to people and helping them. I have some other obligations going on this summer with grad school AND the other part of my job, Youth Ministry plus again I wanted to get out of town with my husband. Brian and I sat down and planned out a bunch of mini trips. One we would have to leave early on a Friday. I gave my boss all of my conflicts for Freshmen Registration. For most of the Freshmen Reg. days I was free ALLLLLL day. I get an email back asking my availability for two days one of them being one I needed to leave early for. What about all the other days I offered that I was completely free? Why did he ask me to cover one I have a conflict on? I just don't get it. I can't even think about looking for another job with this economy. I don't really see moving as an option either. We are too rooted here. I am hoping that working towards my Masters might open some doors for me. Initially I was hoping that having a baby would change the situation at work but now I am fearful that things will remain the same. I don't know if I can handle that.
Last week was filled with so much fun and the party we went to with all the kids was so great. I am so ready to be a part of that club. We were the only couple with out kids. It wasn't even the cute little baby that got to me. It was all the love and need all the kids have for their parents. I want that. I want that so bad.
All hope is not lost. I am not even half way through the 2WW. I can't decide if I feel hopeful or not about this cycle. I'm just kind of blah right now.

Why I feel like I'm on vacation

2009-06-04T12:18:00.002-05:00

Today I felt like I was on vacation even though I haven't gone anywhere and I'm at work. Why is this you ask? I think it has to do with the change in "routine" and the lack of work, not to mention all of Brian's friends in town. Monday night as I mentioned his friends came over, Tuesday night we "crashed" a birthday party at his other friend's parent's house. Last night we went to a baseball game and enjoyed some adult beverages. We've been staying up really late and I have still been getting up at 5:30am for my morning workout. Today after my strength workout I headed downtown to meet Brian and his friend for breakfast and bloody Mary's. It was the perfect morning. Cool but with sunny skies and the anticipation of a beautiful day. I thought to myself as I walked through our quaint downtown, "Who goes out to breakfast on a Thursday morning? Furthermore, who drinks on a Thursday morning at 7:30am before going to work?" This is why I feel like I'm on vacation. I don't really feel guilty about having "a drink" before work. I kind of feel guilty since I possibly ovulated yesterday or today. I'll back off from now on. Just think (hope) that could have been my last drink for a looooooooong time! Tonight and tomorrow night we don't have plans...yet. It's just nice to not be so tied down to my work. No way could I have done all this during the school year. Sigh! Such is life.

Babies and kids galore!

2009-06-02T15:41:00.002-05:00

So, as I've mentioned before a bunch of DH's friends who live out of state are in town this week and weekend with their families. Last night his buddy from Colorado, his wife, and their three girls stopped by. I know DH had told me that this couple had trouble conceiving and even miscarried a couple times and now they have 3 little girls ages 3, almost 2, and 3 months. We had never met the littlest one and she was so cute! It was so fun to have them in our house, our yellow lab went crazy over them! This weekend we're getting together with the whole gang. EVERYONE has multiple kids. There will 12 kids ranging from age 12 to 3 months. Man do I love kids! I think this might be tough. Not to mention I'm sure will get the question about when we are going to have kids. I'm pretty sure most of them know we were "planning" on having kids after we went to Alaska which was almost a year ago so maybe the suspect we're having troubles. I am expecting to O between now and Friday. DH and I bd'd last night. I won't go into details but let's just say it did not go well. DH hates all the pressure during this time. I think it made it worse that he had just seen me laughing and cuddling and cooing over the little ones. I kind of feel crumby and hopeless about the whole thing today. I feel bad for making him feel bad. I feel bad that our intimate time just isn't as fun since trying to conceive. And I feel bad that it didn't go well because it could have been a chance we missed. Not to mention I didn't go to sleep until 11pm and got up at 5:30am to workout! I am super tired. Sigh!

Thoughts on IF

2009-05-31T10:50:00.004-05:00

I'm sitting in my office (on a Sunday) in between our two services. We're honoring our high school grads at each of the morning Masses and I was suppose to give a presentation about transition from high school to college and your faith life but...NO ONE showed up! There were tons of cute babies and kids at the earlier Mass. I was thinking about how last year when I did the high school grad recognition I thought I would be VERY pregnant or even not be here. I never thought it would take us this long to get pregnant. DH and I were talking about our "method" for trying the next time I ovulate (still waiting to O). This will be our 11th cycle. I'll admit I'm getting a little nervous. DH and I haven't talked about what happens IF we don't get pregnant after the next cycle. Things at his work are not going well. He found out on Friday that he will not be getting a raise this year (no one will) and they are anticipating cutting more hours. Part of be believes that we have not been blessed with a child because maybe our finances can't handle it right now during the recession. My job is fine BUT there is no way I could work part time after having a child considering DH's situation. That being said, can we even afford IF treatments? DH said there is also talk about cutting medical insurance. I don't even know how much they cost but from what I've read they sound expensive! One thought I had during Mass was maybe after cycle number 12 we should stop "trying" so hard. I went into this full force, charting, temping, reading etc. Maybe if we can't afford it we should just let God do His work. Usually when I have a thought like this in church I take it pretty seriously. I'm not giving up hope yet just thinking.

Got some time...might as well blog

2009-05-28T14:54:00.002-05:00

I guess it's been awhile. After my last post an evening of sulking and a weekend of drinking and eating way to much I came to realize that I wasn't really mad at my boss. Okay, so yeah I was but I was even more mad at myself for not standing up for myself. My husband so kindly pointed this out to me. I need to work on this, I'm just too nice and I end up getting walked all over. Besides that we had a great memorial day weekend. We stayed in town and one my husbands good buddies came home for a visit. He has been in the navy ever since I've been with Brian living in San Diego, Kuwait, and Okinawa. He is finally withing driving distance. My husband is so great. He helped his buddy and his dad out with some chores. Then they both helped my little brother move (they both had trucks and are strong!) I pretty much tagged along and helped open doors and stuff. Then the two were planning on going fishing. I asked if they were okay with having some female company. They said sure but that I had to know that no topic was off limits, meaning they weren't going to watch what they said around me. I was cool with that. I got bored with fishing after awhile and ended up reading my grad school stuff. I really like hanging with the guys. I am the oldest and only have one little brother I didn't have any guy friends until I was in college and since I am 8 years younger than my husband all of his buddies have kind of become like big brothers to me. It's pretty fun. Since I know I'm not pregnant I was able to keep up my beer drinking with my husband's buddy so that was fun! BTW DH's friend is an OBGYN (how many acronyms can one use in a sentence?). We didn't talk about the whole pregnant thing (that would have been weird). Apparently DH has talked with him about it before and he said to give it a year. I guess I'll take his advice. Other than that work has been super slow. I've actually been reading and writing for my grad school program, I don't really feel bad about this since I am "expected" to be here but there really isn't anything to do. That's about it. Pretty boring post!

Mood Swing

2009-05-22T12:37:00.002-05:00

I was having a perfectly pleasant day. I got up early to hit the pool for some laps and even congratulated myself on biking to the Y instead of driving. The weather today is beautiful, less wind then the past couple of days, sunny, high 60's almost 70. I got to work happy for the fact that I have virtually little or no work to do. A little frustrated that I am "expected" to be here even when there is nothing to do but dealing with it because I can virtually take a mental vacation. Pretty soon I'll start my "summer hours" where I only come into the office Tuesday-Thursday which elevates the boredom. I'm not planning on doing a lot with the youth since I am giving a week of my time to the mission trip. I dinked around on the Internet for awhile and updated some software on my computer. I even sat outside for awhile and read for my graduate class. Then I get an email from my Campus Ministry boss who I must admit for the past year hasn't really bugged me. It said, "I am ready for you to take over Sally's (Salvation Army) for the summer. Thank You" There was no discussion about this. He just assumed I do it. He didn't even ask if that was okay with me. At least he said "thank you." It just really upset me. I don't know why. I just want to be free of responsibility from this place for a little while. Grant it it is only about an hour and a half of my week but now I have to constantly think about it. If we do take off for a long weekend I always have to be back for Sally's. It's one less hour after work that I get to spend with my husband. Why should the responsibility automatically be assumed by me? Why does everyone but me and the priest get the virtually the whole summer off? I'm not even taking a two week vacation this year. Just as I started getting upset for no apparent reason two moms walked by my office pushing kids in strollers and carrying a little baby in a front pack and then I got really upset, I'm close to tears now. I want to be them! I want to trade the responsibility of this insane job for the insane responsibility of a child. I was honestly doing okay with not being pregnant right now but this little incident has thrown me into a tailspin. I know this is terrible but I honestly think that if I had a child then I would be treated differently around here. The expectations would be different. Maybe that's why God hasn't blessed me with a child yet. Maybe He thinks my motivation is wrong. Maybe it is...I don't know. At this time last year I honestly thought I would be very pregnant or have a newborn baby and be on maternity leave at the perfect time when nothing is going on. Instead I'm staring down a boring summer stuck in the office, a week away from my husband doing manual labor, and working on my day "off" and wondering (fearing) if I'll ever get pregnant. I guess I feel a little better writing about it but not really. I just get this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that nothing is going to change around here. I was able to change my attitude but for how long can I keep this up? Unless something drastic changes (like I do get pregnant) things are just going to be the same.

At least she announced her arrival

2009-05-20T08:39:00.002-05:00

Temp dropped this morning. At least this month AF announced her arrival unlike last month when she showed up two days "early" without any warning when I was working a 12 hour day! I'd be lying if I didn't say I was a little sad. I really did think I was pregnant. I just felt so different, or abnormal for me. Well, on to cycle 11.

Still waiting..WARNING this post might contatin TMI!

2009-05-19T13:03:00.002-05:00

Well, still no temp drop and no AF. I have had what I think I are cramps all day. They kind of feel like AF cramps but it also feels like if I went to the bathroom (I mean #2 here) I'd feel better and I haven't gone and don't really feel like it so I guess that means I'm constipated? (See I told you TMI). Of course I've been running to the bathroom checking for AF constantly! Other than that nothing. No headaches (classic PMS symptom for me) not tired, or crabby. I am 13DPO and my longest LP has been 14 so if AF doesn't show up by tomorrow I might test again Thursday.
On another note this past weekend we met up with some friends for a cruise on the river. It was super fun! I was a little worried because I knew I wouldn't be drinking and people might bug me or I might feel left out. I was also worried because one of girl friends who just found out she is pregnant (2months) was coming and I didn't want to feel sad about her talking about being pregnant. She is the girlfriend who got pregnant with her first child on the FIRST TRY! She lent me the book Taking Charge of You Fertility and assured me I'd be pregnant in no time. She has something wrong with her uterus so her last pregnancy and this one were considered high risk. She already had an ultrasound and all these tests. It was actually really good to see her and chat about pregnancy and other things with her. She is a really great person and I have such a good time when I'm with her it makes me wonder why we don't do it more often! It was also nice to be with someone who wasn't drinking because everyone else was...a lot! Anyway I just checked my email and she sent one saying she lost the baby yesterday. I was so sad for her, I almost felt like crying. I've had friends lose babies before but I never felt that sad. I guess when you are TTC it just puts a different spin on things. I don't even know what it's like to lose a baby but I know what it feels like to hope and dream for only a short amount of time only to have it taken away. I'll definitely be praying for her. As for me I pray these rumbles in my tummy are just someone trying to make a home for 9 months! And until then I guess I'll be wearing dark colored pants!

End of the 2WW

2009-05-18T10:48:00.002-05:00

I think this is the hardest part for me. According to my "fertility software" AF is due tomorrow. Sometimes the day before AF does come (or the day of) my temp drops. Today it DID NOT. However this has not been a consistent sign that happens all the time. I also usually feel terrible! Bad headache, tired, cranky. Today...nothing I actually feel really good, I've gotten a lot accomplished and I'm about ready to teach a class at the YMCA. I also tend to gain weight. Today I jumped on the scale and saw a number lower that I have seen in looooong time! Even less then the other day! As far as symptoms go I feel these can be attributed to either AF or pregnancy or phantom pregnancy. Yesterday I was soooooooo hungry! I could not stay full! I'd eat and be hungry shortly there after. I'm not so hungry today. My boobs hurt a lot (today they don't which kind of makes me think AF is on her way). I also had a really weird craving for lime sherbet. This is really weird to me because I don't even really eat sherbet. We bought some and it was sooooooooo good! I also really wanted a hot ham and cheese sandwich...again something I don't usually eat. I didn't have one though, I still think that sounds good. I took to pregnancy tests on at 10DPO and one today at 12DPO both were negative. I haven't given up hope though not until AF comes! So yeah, this is where I am just hanging up hoping that AF doesn't show up. If she does I am definitely having a glass of wine!

Many Ramblings

2009-05-15T15:23:00.003-05:00

Well I made it! This is the day I think I've been looking forward too all year. THE END! Today was the last day of the semester for my students. Now I am FREE for 3 months. Well, not exactly "free" but my load gets a lot lighter now, and I actually feel like a weight has been lifted. We have a lot of plans for the summer what with my grad school, triathlon, and Mission Trip. We are also trying to get on the calendar "mini trips" to visit our friends and family close by. It seems busy but I don't care. My nights should be more free and at least we have plan. When I'm in the midst of things here at work I have to look week by week to see when I'm obligated for things. At least I know when all my obligations for summer are! I am super excited about grad school. According to the Internet my books are waiting on my door step right now. When I was telling Brian my schedule for those four days he says, "Now you WANT to do this right? I can see you not wanting to do it because of the time commitment (most of the classes are all day but some are late afternoon to late evening )." Of course I'll be okay with it because I WANT to do it, I don't HAVE to do it. That makes a huge difference don't you think?
Today when I weighed myself I've been the lowest I've been in March of 2008. I think I've lost 13lbs since September. Not a huge amount but it is making a difference.
In TTC news, I'm 9DPO. I have NO symptoms of PMS or phantom pregnancy symptoms except for a few twinges in my belly...but I've had those before, they feel like I've pulled muscle even though I haven't done any exercise. I also (just today and WARNING TMI) have had sore breasts...but I've had those before. The only weird thing is I've been craving root beer. I actually had some today, real not diet (I never drink regular pop...I rarely drink pop period) and it tasted sooooooo good. I still kind of want some more. I've never been an early tester. I just wait for AF to show up. The only time I tested was when I wasn't charting and it appeared I was a week late but I wasn't. I kind of feel like testing tomorrow just because I know people who have gotten positives at 10DPO AND I have a bunch of cheap tests from the Internet, AND we are going "out" with friends if I new for sure I wasn't pregnant I wouldn't feel bad about not drinking...but I'll probably not drink anyway because I like to play it safe. So that's all from me. Lots of random ramblings.
Next weekend my husband childhood friend is coming "home" he's been the army for as long as I've known him living in San Diego, Okinawa, and Kuwait. He'll finally be with in driving distance living only about 2 1/2 hours away. We think he and his wife are separated (long story) but she is close now too and they are still friends so they might come up too. Can't wait to see them. Our other friends from Alaska and Colorado will be here after that so it will be nice to see them and a great way to kick off the summer! I can't wait! Wouldn't it be wonderful if we got to share the news that we're pregnant too!!!

A Light at the End of the Tunnel

2009-05-12T15:19:00.002-05:00

Well, we are in the midst of finals week. During finals week we keep our building open for our students so that they have a quiet place to study. We also provide snacks and coffee. Because of this someone needs to be in the building until all the students have left. This is the third year I've done this and the 6th finals week I've been through. The first year I was here students stayed until 2am! I've already done one of my "late shifts" on Sunday night and it was only until midnight. It really isn't that bad. I bring my knitting and usually borrow movies from the library and watch them on my laptop. The worst part is being away from my husband, and trying to resist all the snacks and goodies! Last Sunday I was successful in resisting the food! The problem is once I do leave to go home I'm so wound up that it takes me awhile to fall asleep and I don't sleep well. Yesterday I had the whole day off so I was able to sleep until 8am but I was still really tired. I went to bed before 9pm and woke up today at 5:30am to workout. I am still really tired right now which is not good since I have another late shift tonight, youth ministry tomorrow night AND the late shift. But after that my calendar is looking a lot more FREE! To be honest, last year at this time I was thinking I would have a new baby at home or would be very pregnant and not have to do the late shift! I don't know when it will start but in the past summers I've only worked in the office 3 days a week so that will be nice. I'm kind of hoping I'm still tired because I pregnant but its a little early to start with the "phantom" symptoms. I almost half way through the 2ww. I'm already looking at my calendar saying, "If I am pregnant I'll be this many weeks for this party, and this many weeks for this trip." Psycho, I know! But as I've learned it's what we go through. I hope to not have any more "phantom" symptoms!

Getting out of "limbo"

2009-05-07T12:40:00.002-05:00

So, for a week or two now (maybe even longer) I've felt like I've been in "limbo". Meaning I was waiting to hear news about certain things in order to make other plans. It was really driving me nuts because I like to make plans and know what's going on. A long while ago I was waiting to for my youth to decide when they wanted to go on the Mission Trip. Once that was determined I could apply for graduate courses in June. But then I was waiting to hear if I got in and if I could get a scholarship. I wanted to do a triathlon this summer but grad school might have conflicted with it. So, today the director of the graduate program stopped by and said they could offer me half the cost of ONE class per semester. This works out PERFECTLY! I was really starting to freak out about taking 9 credits (3 classes) in 2 weeks and having to get the homework for those courses done in one month. Also if I did do all 9 there was no way I could do the Tri. The course the director suggested fits in perfectly with the Tri. the classes I teach at the YMCA and my responsibilities for Freshmen registration. The course I have to take in the fall isn't so perfect but I'll deal. As long as I get it in my planner now I'm committed. I'm so happy everything worked out...just like God planned...duh! I can just see our 2009 Christmas Letter now,
This past summer Kristin completed a Triathlon, started working on her master's degree AND took 5 young people to Iowa to help with the flood relief.

Now if only we could add to that letter,
Our greatest blessing of 2009 is finding out we are pregnant with our first child. We look forward to his/her arrival in 2010!

It will all happen in God's time, I know. A lot of posts from other blogs I read have been about waiting. It's always something to keep in mind. I feel like I have been "waiting" a lot this year but maybe not in a positive way. I'm going to try and do better as I enter another 2WW. I'll wait in joyful hope for whatever God has planned for me.

p.s. I'm wearing a shirt today that kind of makes me look pregnant. You know the type that has an umpire (empire?) waist and is really full on the bottom? Not sure how I feel about this. I like the top a lot and if I was pregnant I could probably wear it but... anyone else have troubles with these tops? I bought a couple at the end of last summer thinking they would come in handy when I did get pregnant but now I'm not so sure if I should wear them.

Wow! I've been tagged!

2009-05-05T15:01:00.003-05:00

I've never been blog tagged before! I don't know why I'm so excited! Thanks Jessica!

8 things I'm looking forward to
1. Being pregnant
2. Being a mom
3. The semester being over!
4. Getting done with work today!
5. A visit from our friends in Alaska
6. Summer!
7. My sister-in-law having her baby
8. Grey's Anatomy this week!

8 things I did yesterday (only 8?)
1. Went for a run
2. Made homemade pasta sauce
3. Cleaned the bathroom
4. Scrubbed the floors
5. Paid the bills
6. Drove around Amish Country with my dad
7. Got lost in Amish Country with my dad!
8. Had a meeting at work

8 Things I wish I could do
1. Get pregnant
2. Scuba dive again
3. Not have to worry about money
4. Remodel my kitchen
5. Have job in my field with "normal" hours
6. Be good at a sport
7. Not have to worry about what I eat
8. See my friend Laura again

8 Shows I watch
1. What not to Wear
2. Survivor
3. The Office
4. Grey's Anatomy
5. Private Practice
6. Desperate Housewives
7. Parks and Recreation
8. Good Morning America

8 Places I'd like to travel
1. Italy
2. Greece
3. Mexico
4. Maine
5. Prince Edward Island
6. Alaska
7. Peri
8. Ireland

I'm only going to tag Kim because I think everyone else I read has been tagged!

Knock and the door will be open unto you

2009-05-01T12:24:00.002-05:00

So, many a curious thing has happened since my last post. After getting slightly overwhelmed with all that was going on in my life I went looking for an excuse not to start work on my masters this summer. I found a pretty good excuse. Money! Since Brian lost his position as team leader money has been tight. We are lucky that he still has a job but he did take a significant pay cut and I'd be lying if I said it didn't affect how we live. We discussed the cost of the grad program I'm thinking of applying to. He said we could make it work but it would be tough. We'd have to seriously cut back on some things in our life. We live pretty simply as it is so I couldn't even imagine what we would cut out. He said he wouldn't tell me what to do but it was up to me. I also took into consideration the fact that if we did have a child that costs money and time. Would I even be able to complete the program? I had it all made up in my mind that I wasn't going to apply. I actually felt pretty good about my decision. I was even going to blog about how clearly I thought God was leading me. Later yesterday evening I was volunteering at the soup kitchen I regularly go to. A man was there who just happens to be the director of the masters program I was thinking of applying to. This man has had great influence in my life. When I was 12 he told me he thought I should go into religious studies. I didn't even know what that meant at the time. But obviously that and the many other encounters I had of this man in my home parish and as one of my undergrad professors had an influence in my life because here I am working for the church. He said to me, "I hear you'll be joining us in the Masters of Servant Leadership program." I hesitated and then explained why I wouldn't be. He said I should come and talk to him later. Well, I had to leave and drop off the college girls I brought with me last night. I was kind of happy because then I could go home early. But, I didn't get to talk to the professor. After I dropped the girls off I decided to fill my car and turned towards the gas station except I couldn't get into the gas station because there is now a median on the street I was on with no left turns. I just happened to be headed back in the direction of the soup kitchen. So, I went back. My husband wasn't expecting me for another hour or so anyway. I chatted with the professor and he said to write up what I needed and he'd see if there was scholarship money available and that, "We don't want to lose you." So, I'm thinking that was a pretty clear direction from God. Brian and I talked it over and he said ask for half he thought we could pay for half. So with my application I wrote a letter asking for half. I don't know if it will happen but then I will know for sure where God is calling me. I think the reason I was looking for an excuse was I was once again putting my life on hold for this baby I don't have yet. Even if I do get pregnant (and I still really hope I do) I can do this! I must do this! I need to do this! And if it is not meant to be (I don't get the money) I'll be okay with this too, it is in God's plan.

In a bad place

2009-04-29T15:51:00.002-05:00

Sometimes this happens to me. I usually don't blog when it happens but I am in a bad place right now. I thought I was doing better but I am sitting here at my desk and feel like I just want to cry and hide under some blankets. I'm not really sure why. I am just so tired of everything. I'm tired of my hours at work. I know that this is the end of the year and it's okay to feel tired but for some reason I can't see the end. Sure classes are over in a week and a half but I still have to get trough finals week which entails many hours spent sitting in the church basement "babysitting" the three college students who have to stay and study all night long. After that I still have youth ministry, the mission trip, and today my boss said she wants me to add a program for our graduating seniors and the parents about what going to college is like. Will it ever end? I am seriously considering starting a Masters program this Summer because I thought that my schedule would be lighter in June. In reality it's not exactly "light" I still have Freshmen Registration to attend to. When I look at the intensity of the courses (9 graduate credits in two weeks!) and the home work I think, "Do I really want to do this? Do I have time to get all this done? What will I be giving up if I do this?" I'm tired of TTC watching my chart looking at the calendar and trying to fit in BD at the right time only to be disappointed in the end. I just don't know. I feel so trapped in this life. I am looking for change but don't know how to make it happen. Where do I go from here? Please God, open a door for me, I've been waiting.

Crossing unbuilt bridges

2009-04-24T09:39:00.004-05:00

This is just warning that this post is mostly about TTC! So, I was going to post yesterday afternoon when things slowed down at the office. I had plans of writing about all the "symptoms" I was feeling: crazy intense smell, weird craving for grapefruit juice (I hate grapefruit!), cramping, tires, headaches. I was even considering testing since it was 11DPO. I'm glad I didn't because before I went home for lunch I went to the restroom and saw some spotting. I tried not to get too upset because after all it could be implantation bleeding right? It was about 3 days early for AF. But by 4pm I knew this was the real deal. I had to work about 11 hours yesterday. One thing I did was visit a soup kitchen that I take my college students to weekly. It about killed me to talk to the little gal I've befriended who is pregnant and due in August. When I finally got home it was about 8:30pm and Brian still wasn't home. I cracked a bottle of wine. When he did get home I broke down and cried. This is the first time I've gotten really upset about not being pregnant. I don't really know why. I guess since this was out 9th month trying and I honestly thought I'd have a child (or at least be close to) now.
Today I woke up feeling a little better (surprisingly since I did drink half a bottle of wine!) went for a really good run. As I was running I was thinking about all the things I could do since I am not pregnant. I'm considering doing this triathlon. Last summer I wanted to do it since I figured it would be my last triathlon before being pregnant or having a new baby. (I guess I have never blogged about my experience and love of triathlons.. more to come!)I didn't do it because I had a conflict on that date. I'm also thinking of running a 5K next weekend even though I haven't been officially training but my run today felt so good! I need to lose about 10lbs to be at a healthy weight for my height. It doesn't seem like a lot but I've been struggling with it for the last year. Then of course there is the mission trip and grad school. It's funny to think that I was so concerned about being pregnant during the mission trip one day and clearly not being pregnant the next day. I'm always trying to cross bridges that aren't even built yet! I feel like I've spent the last year thinking to myself, "But what if I'm pregnant when X happens?" I'm not going to think like that any more. I must live for the day and in the present moment. To close I just want to share the daily prayer the priest sent out today. As usual it fits my circumstance perfectly!

I reprise here part of a prayer by Teilhard de Chardin:

Above all, trust in the slow work of God.

We are, quite naturally, impatient to reach the end without delay …

We should like to skip the intermediate stages.

We are impatient of being on the way to something unknown, something new.

And yet it is the law of all progress that it is made by passing through some stages of instability …

and that it may take a very long time. And so I think it is with you.

Your ideas mature gradually; let them grow; let them shape themselves, without undue haste.

Don’t try to force them on, as though you could be today what time

(that is to say, grace and circumstances acting on your own goodwill) will make of you tomorrow.

Only God could say what this new spirit gradually forming within you will be.

give our Lord the benefit of your believing that his hand is leading you.

I don't want this to happen...is that bad?

2009-04-22T14:21:00.002-05:00

So, it's D-day. Meaning today is the day the high school kids are suppose to let me know if they REALLY want to go on a Mission Trip to Iowa where we will help gut out houses affected by the floods last year. I said we would do this if we got five kids. So far we have 3. I just reported this at a staff meeting. The priest said, "You really need to try to make this happen. It would be huge if you did. Extend the deadline, call people do whatever you can." And, I know this. This has never really been done here at this parish in the past. I know that if we do it once it could turn into a permanent summer event. It could change the lives of these young people, we could do a lot of good. BUT.. I don't want to do it! I think I've been kidding myself all along thinking that it WOULDN'T happen because we didn't get enough kids. To be honest I wasn't trying that hard. Why don't I want to do this? First of all I am SCARED! A father in the parish has already volunteered to be the male chaperon and he would be great. BUT I have never taken teenagers away for a week by myself before. And let's face it, teenagers can be a handful. I love teenagers but there's no telling what kind of trouble they can get into. I remember the mission trip I took in high school where kids brought pot along (they got busted by the way and we were never able to go back to that town again!). I'm also scared because I do not know what I'll do if I'm pregnant. And I want to be pregnant so badly and I don't want to have to worry about it. I really don't think pregnant people can muck out houses with mold and goodness knows what else is growing in it! Also, I don't really want to give up a whole week of my summer away from husband, pregnant or not. What kind of job that only pays you $30,000 a year asks you to spend so much time away from your loved ones? I mean its not like I'm some high powered business woman being asked to travel somewhere for a meeting. I feel so bad about not wanting this to happen. But its true. It makes me feel like I'm in the field. This is what ministry is and I just don't have it in me. I think it would be easier if I was single. Maybe I'm just crabby because of PMS or hopefully pregnancy hormones. Sigh! What to do what to do?

Life

2009-04-21T15:45:00.002-05:00

Hello blog world! Not much to say. I thought of so many things to post earlier but work has been busy and now I think they've slipped my mind.
Like I said work is busy, kind of frustrating. The programs I'm in charge of for Campus Ministry require leadership position fulfilled by students. It is my job to recruit such students. Well, let me tell you! College age students (at least the ones I'm working with) do not want to lead stuff! Especially if it's religious stuff. It's been like pulling teeth! I shouldn't really say that. I have had some positive responses but it has been challenging.
As far as that mission trip goes with my teens tomorrow is the deadline for them to apply. So far I have 3 for sures, 1 maybe but pretty sure, and that's it. I said I would do it if 5 people were interested so, we shall see!
In the world of babies and TTC, I recently checked in on Babyfit. I have been purposely avoiding this site because in the past I got a little to obsessed and then felt bad when I didn't get pregnant. There were a few women who I followed on this site starting almost a year ago (wow that's hard to believe!). Like I said I hadn't checked in for a while. One woman had her baby on time all was well. Another delivered about a month early but all is well too. The third mis-carried at 23 weeks! I felt so sad for this woman. She hadn't really maintained her blog since she got pregnant and now bam! It's full of sadness. I feel really sad for this woman. She had good looking ultra sounds and everything. So, I guess when I finally do get pregnant I'll have that to worry about too! I guess I'm over half way through the 2WW. I don't really feel pregnant. My husband said I must be because I at "an attitude" yesterday. I thought that was pretty funny.
This past weekend I switched my winter wardrobe with my summer wardrobe. I got out all the shorts and cute tops and remembered thinking when I put them away last fall, "I bet I won't even be getting these out as I'll be in maternity clothes." How wrong I was! I hope I don't have to get the winter clothes out again. The good news is I haven't gained any weight since last summer so everything fits well and looks good. I can't believe its been almost year since we started this journey! I feel like I've been thinking about it forever! Sigh! Nothing else to ramble about for now!

17 again

2009-04-17T14:50:00.004-05:00

So, every morning when I walk my dog I listen the radio program Bob and Sheri. One of our local stations broadcasts this from 5am-9am every morning. If you don't get it where you live (its a syndicated show) I highly recommend going to their website and downloading a podcast. They are so funny, and entertaining but more importantly they are real people and you totally get that from their broadcast. I usually get to listen to a portion of their show entitled "The Chatroom." In the Chatroom they ask a question and ask callers to respond. Before the Chatroom they had done a movie review of 17 again. So the question today was if you could go back to when you were 17 what would you differently? It got me thinking about where I was at 17. I was probably the biggest nerd that ever was. I was a "good" girl. When I was 16 1/2 my best friend died from cancer. That had a huge impact on my life. I was already pretty mature for my age but that really made me grow up fast. My faith played a huge part in it. I never lost my faith but it made me even stronger. It was at 17 that I started taking ownership of my faith by becoming more involved in my parish, attending retreats, volunteering and more. When I look back on it that is pretty rare for a 17 year old to do. I'm sure that when I was 17 was when I decided I want to go into ministry and even applied to the local Catholic college that help me fulfill that calling. So, what would I change? During my senior year of high school they offered a trip to level 5 Spanish students to Puerto Rico. My parents thought it would be a great experience as did I. Before we went we had to sign a form that said we would abide by all the school rules (i.e. not drinking) because some of us would be 18 and the local drinking age was 18. It never even occurred to me that this would be an issue because I didn't drink in high school. Well, the trip turned out to be a disaster. The teacher who led the trip was totally unorganized. We got placed with families who had students in a high school we were going to visit (in turn they were going to come and visit our school and stay with our families). The girl that I got placed with was not really friends with the other kids involved in this exchanged. That didn't really matter because I wasn't really friends with the kids I had come with. Things got a little scary when I hadn't heard from or seen any of my classmates or the teacher for a day or two. I even called home because I was worried. My mom called the school and they didn't even have contact information for our teacher or any of the other host families! Anyway when I finally did meet up with the others I said, "Hey! Where were you guys?" They told me that they went out to a club and got busted and now they were in trouble. I guess I didn't think much of it except that I was glad that I didn't get peer pressured into going along. However, I noticed that the other kids from my school totally shunned me after that happened. They wouldn't talk to me or anything. I mean, it's not like we were friends to begin with but it was even worse for the rest of the trip. I remember that last night we were there and we stayed in a hotel near the airport to catch an early flight. We were in a suite and I slept all alone in double bed while the rest of them stayed up late and then slept in the common area. When we returned to my hometown it was Christmas eve and our school was on break for a week or so. When we finally got back to school a friend of mine said, "Don't you know what people are saying about you??" I said, "No." She said, "They say you're the one who told on the kids that were partying in Puerto Rico." I said, " That's ridiculous! I didn't even know where they were!" Other students who weren't even on the trip started harassing me. My parents got really mad and called the school. The Dean of Students called me into his office and apologized to me and wanted to know if there was anything he could do. I told him it didn't really matter. Those people weren't worth getting upset over. Soon we would graduate and it wouldn't even matter. When I was in college I dated a guy who worked with one of the girls on that trip. When he told her he was dating me the first thing she told him was about how I narked on them in Puerto Rico. How, dumb! So, do I wish I could go back and maybe not go on the trip? (maybe, it was pretty miserable and I got sick too!) Do I wish I would have gone with them to the club? No, not really. What I would do differently is stand up for myself when people were calling me names and had a preconceived notion of who I was based on what I wore or that fact that I actually liked going to church and religion. I still have trouble standing up for myself today. But really, I haven't seen most of the folks in ages and I've changed ... but not that much! Really though it was nothing getting upset over.
Speaking of preconceived notions if you haven't already seen this it's awesome! Brought tears to my eyes!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lp0IWv8QZY
Sorry I can't embed it!
P.s. Temps are still high today!
P.p.s. I checked my records and at the end of last summer I was about 6-7lbs heavier than I am now. What difference in the way my clothes fit those pounds make! I could stand to lose a few more before I get pregnant!